IN THE UNITED STATES SPECIAL SUPREME OVER COURT
FOR THE FINAL SATISFACTION OF GLOBAL JURISDICTION

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READERSHIP OF THE WORLD, et al.,  :
xxxxxxxxxxxx Plaintiffs xxxxxxxxx :
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx :
vs. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx : CASE NO: ZZ9-PLRL-Z-LPH
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx :
DAN BROWN, et al. his novels, xxx :
particularly ANGELS AND DEMONS, x :
xxxxxxxxxxxx Defendants xxxxxxxxx :

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TRAIL TRANSCRIPT : DAY THREE, AFTERNOON SESSION
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BEFORE: HONORABLE HOPHGUD TAYSTE xxx
DATE x: September 8th, 2009 xxxxxxxx
Place : Courtroom No. 2, 9th Floor x
Manila Building xxxx
228 Hazelnut Avenuex
Volcano Headquarters

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COUNSEL PRESENT:
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CLIFF KNOETZ, DVLS ADVC
xx For - Plaintiffs
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RAY NASGON, ESQ
IGAN CHARLES CLEARLY-NOWTHER, ESQ
WEGHAT D'VUNCK, ESQ
xx For - Defendants

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NOU MENON, NBC, CNN xxx
OFFICIAL COURT REPORTER

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THE COURT: Well, that was delicious. At this rate we'll never get a
full day's work done, will we?
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MR. NASGON: With respect, your Honor, it's been fifty-two hours since
we broke for lunch. How much can one man eat?
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THE COURT: That's thin ice you're skating, Counsellor, tread lightly.
Anything you want to add, Mr. Knoetz?
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MR. KNOETZ: Yes, there's a little gravy just there on your robes.
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THE COURT: Ah, yes, thank you. Thank you. Now, where were we?
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MR. KNOETZ: You were going to allow the Defense to finish digging Dan
Brown's grave so I can start filling it up again.
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MR. NASGON: Objection!
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THE COURT: Continue, Mr. Nasgon. But let's streamline this like we
agreed. Just bring all your witnesses in at the same time, please.
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MR. NASGON: The Defense calls witnesses three through ten!
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[EIGHT WITNESSES FILL THE STAND AND ARE SWORN IN]
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MR. NASGON: Right... if I might take a liberty, your Honor?
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THE COURT: That's what the judicial system is designed to do, son.
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MR. NASGON: Er-yes-um, thank you. Assembled witnesses, please confirm
that, in order, your names and occupations are: Stew Perdidd-Yott of
the San Francisco Chronicle; 12-time New York Times bestselling
author Dale Brown; Reed Daily of the Book Review Browser; Owen U.
Evrithin of Kirkus Review; Frank Lee Unputt-Dounibal of ebooknet.com -
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THE COURT: Excuse me, Counseller - did you say "netdotcom"?
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MR. NASGON: I did, your Honor.
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THE COURT: So that was something-or-other-net-dot-com. Not "dot-net",
or "dot-com", but "net-dot-com". I just want to be clear. Correct?
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MR. NASGON: Precisely, your Honor. To continue: er... syndicated book
reviewer Joe Mauceri; Barbara Peters, owner of The Poisoned Pen; and
finally Paige Turner, responsible for Amazon.Com's Editor's pick.
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WITNESSES: Yes.
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MR. NASGON: Ladies, gentlemen, in your capacity as character witnesses
for Dan Brown - and as experts in the reviewing of popular fiction -
would you give us your informed opinions of "Angels and Demons"?
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WITNESSES: A BREATHLESS REAL-TIME ADVENTURE - ANGELS AND DEMONS IS ONE
HELL OF A BOOK - A READING EXPERIENCE YOU WILL NEVER FORGET -
THRILLING CAT-AND-MOUSE MANEUVERS - ONE OF THE BEST READ WE'VE EVER
SEEN - ANGELS & DEMONS IS AS GOOD AS IT GETS - A BIG CONCEPT BEAT-THE-
CLOCK THRILLER - ONE HECK OF A GOOD READ -
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THE COURT: The next person to shout in my presence gets the ultimate
penalty, is that fully understood?
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WITNESSES: Yes. Sorry.
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MR. NASGON: If I may ask you, Mr. Unputt-Dounibal, what would you say
about Dan Brown himself? And, please speak calmly.
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UNPUTT-DOUNIBAL: If Tom Clancy and Umberto Eco got fused together,
Dan Brown would be the result.
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THE COURT: Jesus, I hate that kind of retarded Hollywood summarising.
I bet you're the one who writes for internetdotbookcom - hang on. It
was you who said "one of the best read we've ever seen", wasn't it?
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UNPUTT-DOUNIBAL: Yes, your Honor.
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THE COURT: I'm hearby putting an injuction out on you preventing you
from earning another penny writing in English until you learn how to
use the language properly. Is that clear? Get out of my courtroom.
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[WITNESS LEAVES THE STAND]
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MR. NASGON: Would anyone else like to comment on Dan Brown?
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DAILY: Dan Brown has created another frantic paced thriller that
rivals the best works of Clancy and Cussler.
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MR. KNOETZ: Can't argue with that.
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PERDIDD-YOTT: Exciting, fast paced, with an unusually high IQ.
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BROWN (DALE): Intriguing, suspenseful and imaginative.
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THE COURT: Are those about the man or the book?
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MR. KNOETZ: Neither.
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MR. NASGON: Objection!
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THE COURT: Wait your turn, Mr. Knoetz.
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MR. NASGON: Hah!
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EVRITHIN: Life-or-death cliff hangers, romance, religion, science,
murder, mysticism, architecture, and action. Angels & Demons is a GO!
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THE COURT: You were warned, you were warned! Officer of the Court,
take this man down the corridor and put one behind his ear please.
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[WITNESS IS DRAGGED FROM THE STAND SCREAMING IN TERROR]
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THE COURT: Well, come on. Say your pieces so we can all clear off,
unless you want to join that feller under his tarpaulin. You, Babs -
tell us what you thought and make it suitably restrained.
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[COURT HEARS MUFFLED BANG FROM OUTSIDE. WITNESS PALES.]
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PETERS: Well researched, and pulsingly told. With so much to enjoy,
the only problem for the reader will be to keep from turning the pages
too quickly.
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THE COURT: Mmmmmokay, you're safe. Next?
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MAUCERI: A pulse-pounding, edge-of-your-seat thriller. Angels & Demons
is as compelling as Umberto Eco... as engaging as Tom Clancy... as
fast-paced as Michael Crichton... and rivals the best Thomas Harris
thriller. Angels & Demons earns Dan Brown a place among these literary
peers.
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THE COURT: That's a bit purple isn't it? I'll grant that Crichton was
able to invest his characters with less emotional heft than an empty
Tupperware, but you just compared Dan Brown with Umberto Eco. I'll
remind you that you are under oath, Mr. Mauceri. Also, what was with
all the pauses? Are you missing bits out of your testimony, sir?
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[MAUCERI APPEARS TO SUFFER A MINOR STROKE AND IS ALLOWED TO STEP DOWN]
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THE COURT: Looks like you're the last one, Ms. Turner. Keep it short.
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TURNER: Angels & Demons is a no-holds-barred, pull-out-all-the-stops,
breathless tangle of a thriller -- think Katherine Neville's The Eight
(but cleverer) or Umberto Eco's Foucault's Pendulum (but more
accessible). Brown manages to hurl the reader headlong into an almost
surreal suspension of disbelief. "Brain candy" it may be. But my! It's
tasty.
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THE COURT: And it's not the only one, my lovely. If you're as plumped
up and over-enthusiastic in private as you are in print I'll be seeing
you in Chambers as soon as we're finished here. Speaking of which, Mr.
Nasgon, it looks to me like you're all out of witnesses. Are you done?
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MR. NASGON: I have some closing statements to make-
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THE COURT: Sorry! I may not know much, but I do know that we do that
bit right at the end. It'll have to wait until after Mr. Knoetz takes
his turn. Witnesses may leave the stand, Court is adjourned and as for
you, Miss Turner, I need to go over your "chestimony" more closely...
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[COURT IS ADJOURNED]
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_______________________
Nou Menon, NBC, CNN 
Official Court Reporter

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The foregoing certificalation of this transcript does not appley to any
reproduction by any means unless under the direct control and/or
supervision of the certifycating reporter.

All quotes are taken from the official Dan Brown website…

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