IN THE UNITED STATES SPECIAL SUPREME OVER COURT
FOR THE FINAL SATISFACTION OF GLOBAL JURISDICTION

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READERSHIP OF THE WORLD, et al. Xx:
xxxxxxxxxxxx Plaintiffs xxxxxxxxx :
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx :
vs. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx : CASE NO: ZZ9-PLRL-Z-LPH
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx :
DAN BROWN, et al. his novels, xxx :
particularly ANGELS AND DEMONS, x :
xxxxxxxxxxxx Defendants xxxxxxxxx :

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TRIAL TRANSCRIPT : DAY ONE, MORNING SESSION
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BEFORE: HONORABLE HOPHGUD TAYSTE xxx
DATE x: September 3rd, 2009 xxxxxxxx
Place : Courtroom No. 2, 9th Floor x
Manila Building xxxx
228 Hazelnut Avenuex
Volcano Headquarters

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COUNSEL PRESENT:
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CLIFF KNOETZ, DVLS ADVC
xx For - Plaintiffs
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RAY NASGON, ESQ
IGAN CHARLES CLEARLY-NOWTHER, ESQ
WEGHAT D'VUNCK, ESQ
xx For - Defendants

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NOU MENON, ABC, 123 xxx
OFFICIAL COURT REPORTER

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THE COURT: I hope you've all got a good night's rest - let's make this
a day to remember, eh? We'll begin with opening statements. What's the
usual convention on this - Prosecution first? Defense first?
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MR. KNOETZ: I think an accusation is usually made before someone tries
to refute it, your Honor.
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THE COURT: There's some sound logic in that, Counsellor. Mr. Nasgun?
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MR. NASGON: I can't help feeling that, if this is to be a name-making
case for you, your Honor, with respect you'll have to start having an
impact right from the off. Nothing screams "stamp of authority" like
bucking the trend.
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THE COURT: Hmm. Very well, Counsellor, let's hear it for the defense.
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MR CLEARLY-NOWTHER: Woo-hoo!
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MR. KNOETZ: Er -
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THE COURT: Overruled. And no cheering in court.
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MR. KNOETZ: Your Honor, please - I was only going to draw the Court's
attention to the fact that the defendant is not present.
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THE COURT: Oh, good Lord, you're right. Mr. Nasgun, where the hell's
your damned client?
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MR. NASGON: If it please your Honor, Mr. Brown has requested that he
be tried in absentia.
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THE COURT: Mr. Knoetz?
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MR. KNOETZ: It seems only appropriate. He writes the same way.
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MR. NASGON: Objection!
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THE COURT: Fine, fine, get on with it.
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MR. NASGON: Thank you, your Honor. Your Honor, if it please the Court,
my client stands accused of a crime he did not commit. Of course, that
is not to say that he didn't actually write the text in question, but-
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THE COURT: Hang on. Did he or didn't he?
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MR. NASGON: I - he - he did actually write it, your Honor, but-
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THE COURT: I have to say, Mr. Nasgon, that given your reputation I
rather expected you to do a little better than that. We seem to have
skipped the entire trial and gone straight to an admission of guilt.
Er... come to think of it, did we ever actually read a plea into the
record? Or state the charges for that matter?
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MR. KNOETZ: No, your Honor. I was going to mention it, mainly because
you didn't.
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THE COURT: Okay, okay. Let's see. I know I've got the thing around
here somewhere. Right, right, got it. Let's have a do over, yes?
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MR. NASGON: Yes please, your Honor.
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THE COURT: Okay then. Dan Brown, you stand accused on four counts of
literary forgery, to wit: "the creation of a manuscript bearing the
apparent but fraudulent aspect of a novel", with the example entitled
"Angels and Demons" being held as representative; fifty-one counts of
cognospheric pollution, by means of their translation into many world
languages; and finally, of authorising filmed propaganda based upon
these forgeries, which in turn retain the same objectionable content
masquerading as plot, narrative and characterisation. Further, and
contrary to legal good manners, you are on the verge of publishing
another forged novel as we sit here in judgement upon you - which I
don't like at all. These are serious charges, sir. How do you plead?
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MR. NASGON: My client pleads not guilty on all charges, your Honor.
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THE COURT: He's not publishing another novel?
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MR. NASGON: No, he is - that's - that wasn't one of the charges.
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THE COURT: Humph, yes, you're right.
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MR. NASGON: Further, your Honor, my client considers these charges to
be representative of a category error, that "comparative quality of
style and content" are not valid grounds for accusations of literary
fraudulence. He therefore insists that, as Plaintiffs in the case,
the world's readership pay all his legal costs for the rest of time.
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MR. KNOETZ: That's pretty much the case already.
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THE COURT: Settle down. Okay, Mr. Knoetz, your opening statement.
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MR. NASGON: Hey, what about mine?
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THE COURT: You've had your go, Mr. Nasgon - Mr, Knoetz, proceed.
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MR KNOETZ: Thank you, your Honor. If it please the Court - Dan Brown
is responsible for more misery than the Catholic Church. I make this
startling claim in the knowledge that, while it has inflicted on the
world an unprecedented degree of suffering, not only the many readers
of books around the globe but even the Catholic Church itself have
been powerfully offended by his work. This in itself is not a crime.
However, while presenting to the world what appears to be a work of
legitimate fiction, Brown in fact is faking it. These are not books,
ladies and gentlemen of the jury, except in their superficial physical
nature. No. They are an affront to the very mind. They are forgeries,
carefully designed to fool a gullible population into believing they
have bought a novel but which, when put to use, dangerously fail any
test of their function. The Defense will have you believe they employ
a solid structure, one so solid as to form the unchanging backbone of
each and every new Dan Brown title; but they are clearly manufactured
from inadequate materials, without due consideration for the mental,
emotional and perhaps even physical safety of the eventual end user.
In the long days and weeks to come we will show, on many levels, the
depths to which Dan Brown will not hesitate to sink in his relentless
assault on Literature, that noble bedrock of all culture. Thank you.
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THE COURT: Thank you Mr. Knoetz. Well, I can't speak for everybody,
but I'm famished. Shall we break for lunch?
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MR. NASGON: Your Honor, I was hardly finished and-
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THE COURT: We got the gist, Mr. Nasgon, don't you worry. Court will be
adjourned until, later... waiter?
[COURT IS ADJOURNED]
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_______________________
Nou Menon, Doh-Re-Me, 
Official Court Reporter

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The foregoing certificalation of this transcript does not apply to any
reproduction by any means unless under the direct control and/or
supervision of the certifying reporter.
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