Well, well, well. It’s been a while.

I’d like to write a little about where I’ve been and what I’ve been doing, but some things are best kept secret until the right time – suffice it to say, I’m back, and the chances of my suddenly coming into a rather significant sum of money (and therefore my chances of a breakout literary success when I spend it via this rather interesting publishing web-company I’ve been researching) have just taken quite the springboard.

How come? Get a load of this:

Attn:Dear,

I am Barr. Koffi Frank Jaja by name and iam writing you in respect of my deceased client Late Mr.F.N.Knoetz, who died On the 21st of April 2000 along with his entire family on car a accident,without keeping any WILL .

And i have been trying to locate any family member of his family to assist in repartrating the fund he deposited in AFRICAN DEVELOPMENT BANK Lome-Togo in West Africa valued USD$14million but failed.

Please send me these information below through my private email address so that i can give you the full details concerning the claim because as it stands now,this claim depends in the same last name you are bearing with my late client.

YOUR FULL NAME…..YOUR NATIONALITY…..YOUR ADDRESS…..YOUR PHONE…..YOUR OCCUPATION…..YOUR MARITAL STATUS…..YOUR AGE…..PRIVATE EMAIL…….

I am looking forward to hearing from you soon and please excuse me if this is an embrassment to you..OK

God bless you.

Best Regards.

Barr.Koffi Frank Jaja Esq.

Private email to reach me confidentially : koffijaja(at)hotmail.com

Well. Or should I say, will. I was a little put off by his too-familiar greeting – no-one calls me “dear” except Mother – but after that everything started looking better and better (although I have no desire to be gilded, either with gold or mere alloys). Anyway, after bouncing a few emails back and forth my deposit is in the post, and I literally can’t wait to hear how much $14 million dollars is in good old British sterling. I’ll keep you posted.

IN THE UNITED STATES SPECIAL SUPREME OVER COURT
FOR THE FINAL SATISFACTION OF GLOBAL JURISDICTION

X

READERSHIP OF THE WORLD, et al.,  :
xxxxxxxxxxxx Plaintiffs xxxxxxxxx :
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx :
vs. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx : CASE NO: ZZ9-PLRL-Z-LPH
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx :
DAN BROWN, et al. his novels, xxx :
particularly ANGELS AND DEMONS, x :
xxxxxxxxxxxx Defendants xxxxxxxxx :

x

TRAIL TRANSCRIPT : DAY SEVENTY-ONE, MORNING SESSION
X
BEFORE: HONORABLE HOPHGUD TAYSTE xxx
DATE x: December 5th, 2009 xxxxxxxxx
Place : Courtroom No. 2, 9th Floor x
Manila Building xxxx
228 Hazelnut Avenuex
Volcano Headquarters

X

COUNSEL PRESENT:
x
CLIFF KNOETZ, DVLS ADVC
xx For - Plaintiffs
X
RAY NASGON, ESQ
IGAN CHARLES CLEARLY-NOWTHER, ESQ
WEGHAT D'VUNCK, ESQ
xx For - Defendants
X
xXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX NOU MENON, ANY, ONE
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX OFFICIAL COURT REPORTER
X
----------------------------------------------------------------------
THE COURT: I know this is going to be a very difficult, even painfully
challenging experience for us all, but I'm afraid there are procedures
which must be followed in court. Mr. Knoetz, you failed to correctly
read in your first piece of evidence yesterday. You can't go blurting
out quotes in a state of desperation. Things will degenerate into a
farce. I am striking Prosecution Evidence #1 from the record, and I
advise the jury to disregard it when the time comes to deliberate.
x
[JURY THROWS ITS COLLECTIVE FAECES IN A STATE OF OVER-EXCITEMENT]
x
THE COURT: I guess that means you'll have to forget about any failures
of characterization regarding the protagonist, Robert Langdon, yes?
X
MR. KNOETZ: In fact, your honor, I feel we will be able to satisfy the
court on that count, repeatedly. In fact, as detailing every example of
poor characterisation would render this courtcase interminable, I will
restrict this evidence to moments of first encounter with characters.
x
THE COURT: This case already seems to have gone on far too long, but I
suyppose the less reading I have to do the better. Continue.
x
MR. KNOETZ: Then with your permission I will read the following into
the record as Prosecution Evidence #2, regarding Vittoria Vetra, who
is the main female character of the accused document.
x
[PROSECUTION EVIDENCE #2]
Decending from the chopper in her khaki shorts and white sleeveless 
top, Vittoria Vetra looked nothing like the bookish physicist he had 
expected. Lithe and graceful, she was tall with chestnut skin and
long black hair that swirled in the back wind of the rotors. Her face
was unmistakably Italian - not overly beautiful, but possessing full, 
earthy features that even at twenty yards seemed to exude a raw 
sensuality. As the air currents buffetted her body, her clothes clung,
accentuating her slender torso and small breasts.
...
Langdon watched Vittoria approach. She had obviously been crying, her
deep sable eyes filled with emotions Langdon could not place. Still,
she moved towards them with fire and command. Her limbs were strong
and toned, radiating the healthy luminescence of Mediterranean flesh
that had enjoyed long hours in the sun.
[ANGELS AND DEMONS, PAGES 69-70]
x
MR.KNOETZ: As is clear, Mr. Brown is pitifully out of his depth when
required to present a female character as other than typical of hotel
room soft-core pornography. It should be noted that the "chopper"
which she dismounts in the first paragraph was a helicopter.
X
THE COURT: As opposed to a motorcycle, understood.
x
MR. KNOETZ: Er... yes. In any case, in Brown's pseudo-fiction a woman
seems to be chiefly characterised by her sexual qualities and/or
appearence. When expressing emotions Brown immediately struggles and
only attempts to do so via the mask of third-person interpretation,
deflecting his shocking lack of human empathy onto the character of
Langdon, who is unable to decipher the emotions active in the close
relative of a murder victim who has recently been weeping.
x
THE COURT: Disturbing.
x
MR. KNOETZ: Very. More so because, as is clear in The Da Vinci Code,
Robert Langdon seems to show a rather predatory sexual interest in
young women mourning the violent loss of a father-figure. But Langdon
connot be held responsible for Brown's choice of descriptors. I draw
attention to the phrase "she moved towards them with fire and command",
shortly after we are told she has two black eyes, and invite the Court
to speculate about what the hell Brown thinks he's talking about.
x
MR. NASGUN: Objection!
x
THE COURT: Objectionable, certainly. Is that it, Mr. Knoetz?
x
MR. KNOETZ: Hardly. If I may introduce Prosecution Evidence #3,
describing central character Camerlengo Carlo Ventresca?
x
[PROSECUTION EVIDENCE #3]
He looked to be in his late-thirties, indeed a child by Vatican
standards. He had a surprisingly handsome face, a swirl of course
brown hair, and almost radient green eyes that shone as if they
were somehow fueled by the mysteries of the universe.
[ANGELS AND DEMONS, PAGE 170]
x
THE COURT: Radiant eyes, luminescent thighs - strong theme of
radioactivity in this thing, is there?
x
MR. KNOETZ: Inasmuch as there are any strong themes, sir. However,
when required to describe strength itself as a characteristic Brown
has a tendency to go "a little overboard". Like Robert Maxwell.
x
[PROSECUTION EVIDENCE #4]
When the commander finally clicked off his phone and approached
across the room, he seemed to grow with each step. Langdon was tall
himself and not used to looking up at many people, but Commander
Olivetti demanded it. Langdon sensed immediately that the commander
was a man who had weathered tempests, his face hale and steeled.
His dark hair was cropped in a military buzz cut, and his eyes
burned with the kind of hardened determination only attainable
through years of intense training. He moved with ramrod exactness...
[ANGELS AND DEMONS, PAGE 153]
x
THE COURT: I'm afraid that reference doesn't really carry to a non-
English audience, Mr. Knoetz.
x
MR. KNOETZ: I apologise, your Honor - but Brown's clumsily excessive
descriptors are surely evident here: hale, steeled, hardened; ramrod
exactness, whatever that might signify. If this was any thicker, he
wouldn't be able to pour it on at all. Not to mention that he seems
unclear on the functioning of perspective.
x
THE COURT: Where are you going with this, Mr. Knoetz?
x
MR. KNOETZ: Just establishing that, when presenting any alleged
character, Brown demonstrates limitations inconsistant with "good
writing". Specifically, he shows a worrying reliance on anatomy:
x
[PROSECUTION EVIDENCE #5]
Langdon noted a man in a wheelchair exiting the building. He looked
to be in his early sixties. Gaunt and totally bald with a sternly
set jaw, he wore a white lab coat and dress shoes propped firmly on
the wheelchair's footrest. Even at a distance his eyes looked
lifeless - like two gray stones.
[ANGELS AND DEMONS, PAGE 36]
x
MR. KNOETZ: In fact, your Honor, you might say that my main point
of criticism here is in the character-eyes-ation. Hem hem.
x
MR. NASGUN: Ob-jection!
x
THE COURT: Sus-tained, my God. Consider yourself held in contempt,
Mr. Knoetz. Any more punmenship like that and it won't matter if I
find for the prosecution or not, you'll never be found again. Think
you can give us anything that doesn't hinge totally on looks?
X
MR. KNOETZ: Just one, your Honor.
x
[PROSECUTION EVIDENCE #6]
Captain Rocher stepped forward in his red beret. Vittoria thought he
looked more human somehow than the other guards - stern but not so
rigid. Rocher's voice was emotional and crystalline, like a violin.
[ANGELS AND DEMONS, PAGE 347]
x
MR. KNOETZ: A crystal violin, presumably.
x
THE COURT: Good grief. I suppose you rest your case, then?
x
MR. KNOETZ: Far from it, your Honor.
x
THE COURT: Pity. Well I at least need a break. Reconvene after a
suitable recovery period, shall we?
x
[COURT IS ADJOURNED]
----------------------------------------------------------------------

X

_______________________
Nou Menon, ANY, ONE
Official Court Reporter

x

The foregoing certificalation of this tranyscript does not appley to any
reproduction by any means useless under the dialect control hand/eye
supervision of the certifycating reporter.
ddxxxxxxxxxxxx
IN THE UNITED STATES SPECIAL SUPREME OVER COURT
FOR THE FINAL SATISFACTION OF GLOBAL JURISDICTION

X

READERSHIP OF THE WORLD, et al.,  :
xxxxxxxxxxxx Plaintiffs xxxxxxxxx :
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx :
vs. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx : CASE NO: ZZ9-PLRL-Z-LPH
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx :
DAN BROWN, et al. his novels, xxx :
particularly ANGELS AND DEMONS, x :
xxxxxxxxxxxx Defendants xxxxxxxxx :

x

TRAIL TRANSCRIPT : DAY SEVENTY-ONE, MORNING SESSION
X
BEFORE: HONORABLE HOPHGUD TAYSTE xxx
DATE x: December 5th, 2009 xxxxxxxxx
Place : Courtroom No. 2, 9th Floor x
Manila Building xxxx
228 Hazelnut Avenuex
Volcano Headquarters

X

COUNSEL PRESENT:
x
CLIFF KNOETZ, DVLS ADVC
xx For - Plaintiffs
X
RAY NASGON, ESQ
IGAN CHARLES CLEARLY-NOWTHER, ESQ
WEGHAT D'VUNCK, ESQ
xx For - Defendants

X

NOU MENON, BBC, ONE xxx
OFFICIAL COURT REPORTER

X

----------------------------------------------------------------------
[COURT HEARS SOUND OF PAGE TURNING]
x
THE COURT: Mr. Knoetz. Mr. Knoetz? MR. KNOETZ!
x
MR. KNOETZ: Argh!
x
[COURT HEARS SOUND OF BOOK HITTING FLOOR]
X
MR. KNOETZ: Yes, your honor?
x
THE COURT: Not to put too fine a point on it, counsellor, we've been
sat here for over two months now and not a damn thing has happened. We
broke for lunch, then court resumed, at which point you began reading
Angels and Demons again, extremely slowly. That was sixty-six days ago.
x
MR. KNOETZ: Your honor, I can only apologise.
x
THE COURT: I'm not sure that's going to cut it, fella. Are you ready
to continue this case or aren't you?
x
MR. KNOETZ: To be honest, your honor, I've got a bit of a problem. As
I said, Prosecution intends to build this case by pointing to various
aspects of the alleged novels content.
x
THE COURT: Yes, as I recall you mean to start with Characterization. I
think I even allowed you to get away with the British spelling.
x
MR. KNOETZ: That's right, your honor. After our initial review of the
evidence, this seemed the most damning approach. However, it seems...
x
THE COURT: Spit it out, man!
x
MR. KNOETZ: Well... we can't seem to find any.
x
THE COURT: I beg your pardon?
x
MR. KNOETZ: There doesn't appear to be any characterization at all.
x
MR. NASGON: Defense moves for a mistrial!
X
MR. KNOETZ: Objection, objection!
x
THE COURT: Grounds, counsellor?
x
MR. NASGON: Well, he said it in his own words, your honor, didn't he?
You can't convict my client for a crime he didn't commit!
x
THE COURT: Very true, very true.
X
MR. KNOETZ: But "no characterization" - that's a crime in itself!
x
MR. NASGON: Prove it, Knoetz! Back up this, unfounded allegation.
x
MR. KNOETZ: But -
x
MR. NASGON: "Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence".
x
THE COURT: Ooh, zing!
x
MR. KNOETZ: Look, I mean, I mean - the book has characters, we admit
that. So, if there are characters, there should be characterization,
right? You can't have one without the other.
x
MR NASGON: Is that a rule Knoetz? Can't things "just happen", as the
writer wants them to, pulling the so called characters along in their
wake? Have you never seen a Jean-Claude Van Damme film?
x
THE COURT: Sounds like you're in rather dire straits, Mr. Knoetz. If
you can't present anything on this count you're off to a bad start.
x
MR. KNOETZ: Okay, no, listen! "As Langdon sat on his brass Maharishi's
chest and savored the warmth of the chocolate, the bay window caught
his reflection. The image was distorted and pale . . . like a ghost.
An aging ghost, he thought, cruelly reminded that his youthful spirit
was living in a mortal shell." ~ Angels and Demons, page 21.
x
[SILENCE IN COURT]
X
THE COURT: My God. That's... does Brown go on to describe Langdon, now
he has seen himself in the window? Describe him physically, I mean.
x
MR. KNOETZ: He does your honor. Physically, but also his personality,
in the context of his role as swimmer and higher educator. I'm sorry.
x
THE COURT: That's... very disturbing.
x
MR. KNOETZ: But my point is, is it characterization? I can't tell.
x
MR. NASGON: No. It's only a reflection. A reflection on a reflection,
if you will, which is to say further evidence of my client's dazzling
skill as a creative writer.
x
MR. KNOETZ: But does it characterize? Or rather, does it attempt to?
x
THE COURT: Well, instict says no. But... if it "describes or portrays
the character of", well, in a technical sense, it does. How awful.
x
MR. KNOETZ: Though it distress the court, I would like to enter this
into the record as Prosecution Evidence #1. And, with this precedent
now set, I'm afraid there is more of the same to come.
x
THE COURT: No-one ever said justice would be easy, gentlemen. We'll
continue on the morrow. Adjourned.
x 
[COURT IS ADJOURNED]
----------------------------------------------------------------------

X

_______________________
Nou Menon, BBC, ONE xxx
Official Court Reporter

x

The foregoing certificalation of this tranyscript does not appley to any
reproduction by any means useless under the dialect control hand/or
supervision of the certifycating reporter.
IN THE UNITED STATES SPECIAL SUPREME OVER COURT
FOR THE FINAL SATISFACTION OF GLOBAL JURISDICTION

X

READERSHIP OF THE WORLD, et al.,  :
xxxxxxxxxxxx Plaintiffs xxxxxxxxx :
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx :
vs. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx : CASE NO: ZZ9-PLRL-Z-LPH
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx :
DAN BROWN, et al. his novels, xxx :
particularly ANGELS AND DEMONS, x :
xxxxxxxxxxxx Defendants xxxxxxxxx :

x

TRAIL TRANSCRIPT : DAY FIVE, MORNING SESSION
X
BEFORE: HONORABLE HOPHGUD TAYSTE xxx
DATE x: September 30th, 2009 xxxxxxx
Place : Courtroom No. 2, 9th Floor x
Manila Building xxxx
228 Hazelnut Avenuex
Volcano Headquarters

X

COUNSEL PRESENT:
x
CLIFF KNOETZ, DVLS ADVC
xx For - Plaintiffs
X
RAY NASGON, ESQ
IGAN CHARLES CLEARLY-NOWTHER, ESQ
WEGHAT D'VUNCK, ESQ
xx For - Defendants

X

NOU MENON, ITV, CH4 xxx
OFFICIAL COURT REPORTER

X

----------------------------------------------------------------------
THE COURT: Mr. Knoetz, is there the slightest chance you are going to
start getting on with it before the end of the year?
X
MR. KNOETZ: Yes, your Honor, I'm... just...
x
THE COURT: Honestly. Anyone would think you were just making all this
up as you go along.
x
MR. NASGON: Defense moves for Mistrial-
x
MR. KNOETZ: No, no, I'm ready - I'm ready.
x
THE COURT: Finally. Okay, oFf you go.
x
MR. KNOETZ: Thank you, your Honor. If it please The Court, we intend
to prove, beyond any reasonable measure of doubt, that the defendant,
Daniel Iscariot Hemingway Brown, born according to Wikipedia on June
22nd, 1964 (age 45), was not only emitted into this world as a middle-
aged adult, but has since directed all his efforts towards foisting an
elaborate hoax upon the world's collective public: to wit, that he is
an author of original fiction. In fact, as we shall demonstrate time
and again, he is instead a forger - of great cunning, it is true - of
fiction, creating texts which, while maintaining the stunning illusion
of being actual novels, are in fact not so. They are, in fact, fakes.
x
THE COURT: Bloody hell.
x
MR. KNOETZ: Indeed.
x
MR. NASGON: Objection!
x
THE COURT: Overruled!
x
MR. NASGON: But you don't even know what I'm objecting to yet!
x
THE COURT: Oh. That's true. Ah, do it again.
x
MR. NASGON: Objection!
x
THE COURT: Overruled! Only joking - what is it, counsellor?
x
MR. NASGON: Well, your Honor. It's all bullshit, isn't it?
x
THE COURT: Eh? What is? Are you conceding?
x
MR. NASGON: NO! No, I just mean, the Prosecution's case - it's total
bullshit. I mean, "forged novels"? It's nonsense.
x
THE COURT: Mr. Knoetz?
x
MR. KNOETZ: I think we'll demonstrate admirably that-
x
MR. NASGON: Look. Are you trying to suggest that my client copied his
novels from someone else's work? Is that what you mean?
x
MR. KNOETZ: Not at all. If that were the case, surely the true author
would have stepped forward to take responsibility... oh. Hmm. No, yes:
to claim the huge fortune he'd be entitled to - after admitting he was
the one who wrote... hmm. You know, that's an interesting point. Would
it be worth the instant wealth if you had to be the man everyone knew
had written "The Da Vinci Code"? I'm not sure I could bear it.
x
MR. NASGON: So you accept that my client wrote "Angels and Demons"?
x
MR. KNOETZ: "Forged" it, yes.
x
MR NASGON: But all the sentences inside this novel were made by him?
x
MR KNOETZ: Inside this "forgery", were "committed" by him - of course.
x
MR. NASGON: ...objection withdrawn, your Honor.
x
MR. KNOETZ: Er...
x
THE COURT: How convenient. Carry on, Mr. Knoetz.
x
MR. KNOETZ: Um... okay. I - er. Yes. Right: we shall demonstrate the
fraudulence of Brown's writing by designating the various aspects of a
true novel and then examining Brown's writing in these contexts. There
shall be no question in the minds of the Jury that "Angels and Demons"
- and, by extension, any and all of Dan Brown's writings for the rest
of measured time - are flagrant artificialities of a most base kind.
x
MR. NASGON: I'm actually rather looking forward to this, suddenly.
X
MR. KNOETZ: I would like to call my first criteria: Characterisation!
x
THE COURT: I say, this is exciting! Shall we take a moment for lunch?
x
[COURT IS ADJOURNED]
----------------------------------------------------------------------

X

_______________________
Nou Menon, ITV, CH4 
Official Court Reporter

x

The foregoing certificalation of this tranyscript does not appley to any
reproduction by any means unless under the dialect control and/or
supervision of the certifycating reporter.
ddxxxxxxxxxxxx
IN THE UNITED STATES SPECIAL SUPREME BEDROOM
FOR THE FINAL SATISFACTION OF JURISDICTION MAKERS

X

READERSHIP OF THE WORLD, et al.,  :
xxxxxxxxxxxx Plaintiffs xxxxxxxxx :
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx :
vs. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx : CASE NO: ZZ9-PLRL-Z-LPH
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx :
DAN BROWN, et al. his novels, xxx :
particularly ANGELS AND DEMONS, x :
xxxxxxxxxxxx Defendants xxxxxxxxx :

x

IN CHAMBERS TRANSCRIPT : NIGHT FOUR, ALL-DAY SESSION
X
BEFORE: HONORABLE HOPHGUD TAYSTE xxx
DATE x: September 17th, 2009 xxxxxxx
 Place : Bedroom No. 4, East Wing xxx 
xxxxxxx Judicial Weekend Retreatxxxx
Palmy Gardens Grovex
Honolulu xxxxxxxxxxx

X

COUNSEL PRESENT:
x
CLIFF KNOETZ, DVLS ADVC
xx For - Plaintiffs
X
RAY NASGON, ESQ 
xx For - Defendants

X

NOU MENON, A2B, A2Z xxx
OFFICIAL COURT REPORTER

X

----------------------------------------------------------------------
THE COURT: Damn it but this had better be good.
x
MR. KNOETZ: Your Honour, this is totally unacceptable!
x
THE COURT: You're not kidding it isn't, is - is unacceptable to just
casually interrupt The Court in the middle of the night like this-
x
MR. KNOETZ: Your Honour-
x
THE COURT: And one more Anglicised spelling of honor like that and it
will be the worse for you, Counsellor. Whaddayawant?
x
MR. KNOETZ: Your Honor, I've only just been notified... I simply can't
believe they would circumvent the courts this way... I'm speechless.
x
THE COURT: What? Circumwhat the who? Wait. Wait. No. Get off me, this
sounds important. Get off. Hold on, Mr. Knoetz.
x
[THE COURT UTTERS VARIOUS OATHS UNDER HIS BREATH AS HE CLAMBERS ABOUT]
X
THE COURT: And you can stop that right now, yes?
x
MR. KNOETZ: I beg your pardon?
x
THE COURT: I wasn't talking to you. Listen, Knoetz, what was that you
said about castration?
x
MR. KNOETZ: No, sir, not castration. Circumvention. It has come to my
attention that, unbelievably, Dan Brown has gone ahead with his plans
to publish another fabricated novel. Two days ago.
x
THE COURT: Oh.
x
MR. KNOETZ: Despite the fact that this class action is far from over.
x
THE COURT: Umm-huh.
x
MR. KNOETZ: I mean, one could be forgiven for thinking that he didn't
even care that this was going on. Amazon are already discounting it!
The hardback's not even a fiver! Everybody's going to buy one!
x
THE COURT: No, don't you dare - oooh.
X
MR. KNOETZ: Your Honor?
x
THE COURT: What- no- wait.
x
MR. KNOETZ: What's going on?
x
THE COURT: Nothing. Oh-overruled.
x
MR. KNOETZ: It's a scandal! I want to know what you're going to do
about this travesty of justice! Clearly this is going to sway public
opinion around the globe, how can we expect a - what's that noise?
x
THE COURT: You'll have to hang on, Mr. Knoetz. I've got another call
coming in - ah, it seems Mr. Nasgon is Skyping me on my iMac. Well,
Nasgon, we're all up now, so to speak. Mr. Knoetz is listening in,
I know all about it. What does your client have to say for himself?
x
MR. NASGON: Your Honor, thank you for seeing me - oh, you've got an
iMac too! With the built in camera? Yes! Let me just turn on...
x
THE COURT: Er, that might not be such a good idea.
x
MR. NASGON: There we go- ...what is that?
x
MR. KNOETZ: What is what?
x
MR. NASGON: It looks like a giant waxed elephant seal with a ball-gag
around its neck. Oh - oh my god.
x
[COURT HEARS SOUND OF LOUD RETCHING]
x
MR. KNOETZ: Can I hear typing?
x
THE COURT: Yes, look, the court reporter is here too.
x
MR. KNOETZ: What, all this is on the record?
x
THE COURT: ...Jesus, put that thing away - no, get back here. Shit.
x
MR. NASGON: Sweet Lord, is that baby oil? I hope it's baby oil. I just
hope it isn't sweat. Actually, I don't know what I hope any more.
x
THE COURT: Oh, come now, we're all adults here. If you can't take the
heat, turn off the fucking camera.
x
MR. NASGON: Yes - oh, thank god for that. Look, eugh, listen, I guess
you've heard that my client has published "The Lost Symbol", yes?
x
THE COURT: Indeed we have, Mr. Nasgon.
x
MR. NASGON: Well, we would like to move for an immediate mistrial.
x
THE COURT: Interesting. Unexpected. Mr. Knoetz?
x
MR. KNOETZ: That's preposterous! Your client is the one endangering
the course of justice. If anyone should call for a mistrial it's us.
x
MR. NASGON: Oh, please-
x
MR. KNOETZ: Nahh, hold your tongue. "But we're not going to", I was
going to say.
x
MR. NASGON: Oh.
x
MR. KNOETZ: Your Honor, I'm just asking for a little more time to get
to grips with this new scenario, assimilate any changes this will make
to how we approach the case in hand-
x
MR. NASGON: You want to read it, don't you?
x
MR. KNOETZ: No, actually, I don't. I've got far better things to do.
x
MR. NASGON: Mmm-hmm, calling foul sexual deviants in the middle of the
night, it sounds like it, Very busy, I'm sure. Ve-ry bu-sy.
X
THE COURT: Hah! Me fears the lady doest protesteth too muchly, eh? Eh?
x
MR. NASGON: Quite, your Honor.
x
MR. KNOETZ: Well, perhaps we could see what Missus "The Court" thinks
about all this, hmm? I take it that isn't her with the portable
typewriter and ginger beard. In the thong. In both the thongs.
x
THE COURT: Ah, well. Of course, the Law must be properly served.
x
MR. NASGON: I-
x
THE COURT: Overruled, yes, definitely overruled. I think it's time we
called it a night, don't you? Yes, yes. I'll see you both in court,
gentlemen. Just let us all know when you're ready, Mr. Knoetz, okay?
x
MR. KNOETZ: Thank you, your Honor.
x
[COURT HEARS PHONE HANGING UP]
X
MR. NASGON: Hang on. If he was on the phone, how did he know about the
leprechaun in the two thongs? Ark.
x
[COURT HEARS SOUND OF DRY HEAVING, THEN A SKYPE CALL-END CHIME]
x
THE COURT: Privacy at last! Put that damn thing down and come back
here, you saucy little minx - hang on. What did he just say?
x
[IN CHAMBERS TRANSCRIPT ENDS]
----------------------------------------------------------------------
X
_______________________
Nou Menon, A2B, A2Z
Official Court Reporter

x

The foregoing certificalation of this tranyscript does not appley to any
reproduction by any means unless under the direct control and/or
supervision of the certifycating reporter.

All quotes are taken from the official Dan Brown website…

The court case has been put on hold apparently, which happens to be really good timing as I have a wedding to go to shortly. While I must now leave my loyal readership to go over the transcripts looking for legal loopholes, I would also like to draw the general attention to a rather stunning discovery.

Have a look at this.

Now, I want to make it very clear that – NO, PLEASE – PLEASE – my creation, Don Brawn, is not based upon this person or any other person, living or dead, and any similarity between this Don Brawn and my Don Brawn – or indeed myself – is entirely coincidental.

ENTIRELY COINCIDENTAL.

Fuck. Cheese it!

IN THE UNITED STATES SPECIAL SUPREME OVER COURT
FOR THE FINAL SATISFACTION OF GLOBAL JURISDICTION

X

READERSHIP OF THE WORLD, et al.,  :
xxxxxxxxxxxx Plaintiffs xxxxxxxxx :
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx :
vs. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx : CASE NO: ZZ9-PLRL-Z-LPH
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx :
DAN BROWN, et al. his novels, xxx :
particularly ANGELS AND DEMONS, x :
xxxxxxxxxxxx Defendants xxxxxxxxx :

x

TRAIL TRANSCRIPT : DAY THREE, AFTERNOON SESSION
X
BEFORE: HONORABLE HOPHGUD TAYSTE xxx
DATE x: September 8th, 2009 xxxxxxxx
Place : Courtroom No. 2, 9th Floor x
Manila Building xxxx
228 Hazelnut Avenuex
Volcano Headquarters

X

COUNSEL PRESENT:
x
CLIFF KNOETZ, DVLS ADVC
xx For - Plaintiffs
X
RAY NASGON, ESQ
IGAN CHARLES CLEARLY-NOWTHER, ESQ
WEGHAT D'VUNCK, ESQ
xx For - Defendants

X

NOU MENON, NBC, CNN xxx
OFFICIAL COURT REPORTER

X

----------------------------------------------------------------------
THE COURT: Well, that was delicious. At this rate we'll never get a
full day's work done, will we?
X
MR. NASGON: With respect, your Honor, it's been fifty-two hours since
we broke for lunch. How much can one man eat?
x
THE COURT: That's thin ice you're skating, Counsellor, tread lightly.
Anything you want to add, Mr. Knoetz?
x
MR. KNOETZ: Yes, there's a little gravy just there on your robes.
x
THE COURT: Ah, yes, thank you. Thank you. Now, where were we?
x
MR. KNOETZ: You were going to allow the Defense to finish digging Dan
Brown's grave so I can start filling it up again.
x
MR. NASGON: Objection!
x
THE COURT: Continue, Mr. Nasgon. But let's streamline this like we
agreed. Just bring all your witnesses in at the same time, please.
x
MR. NASGON: The Defense calls witnesses three through ten!
x
[EIGHT WITNESSES FILL THE STAND AND ARE SWORN IN]
X
MR. NASGON: Right... if I might take a liberty, your Honor?
x
THE COURT: That's what the judicial system is designed to do, son.
x
MR. NASGON: Er-yes-um, thank you. Assembled witnesses, please confirm
that, in order, your names and occupations are: Stew Perdidd-Yott of
the San Francisco Chronicle; 12-time New York Times bestselling
author Dale Brown; Reed Daily of the Book Review Browser; Owen U.
Evrithin of Kirkus Review; Frank Lee Unputt-Dounibal of ebooknet.com -
x
THE COURT: Excuse me, Counseller - did you say "netdotcom"?
x
MR. NASGON: I did, your Honor.
x
THE COURT: So that was something-or-other-net-dot-com. Not "dot-net",
or "dot-com", but "net-dot-com". I just want to be clear. Correct?
x
MR. NASGON: Precisely, your Honor. To continue: er... syndicated book
reviewer Joe Mauceri; Barbara Peters, owner of The Poisoned Pen; and
finally Paige Turner, responsible for Amazon.Com's Editor's pick.
x
WITNESSES: Yes.
x
MR. NASGON: Ladies, gentlemen, in your capacity as character witnesses
for Dan Brown - and as experts in the reviewing of popular fiction -
would you give us your informed opinions of "Angels and Demons"?
x
WITNESSES: A BREATHLESS REAL-TIME ADVENTURE - ANGELS AND DEMONS IS ONE
HELL OF A BOOK - A READING EXPERIENCE YOU WILL NEVER FORGET -
THRILLING CAT-AND-MOUSE MANEUVERS - ONE OF THE BEST READ WE'VE EVER
SEEN - ANGELS & DEMONS IS AS GOOD AS IT GETS - A BIG CONCEPT BEAT-THE-
CLOCK THRILLER - ONE HECK OF A GOOD READ -
x
THE COURT: The next person to shout in my presence gets the ultimate
penalty, is that fully understood?
x
WITNESSES: Yes. Sorry.
x
MR. NASGON: If I may ask you, Mr. Unputt-Dounibal, what would you say
about Dan Brown himself? And, please speak calmly.
x
UNPUTT-DOUNIBAL: If Tom Clancy and Umberto Eco got fused together,
Dan Brown would be the result.
x
THE COURT: Jesus, I hate that kind of retarded Hollywood summarising.
I bet you're the one who writes for internetdotbookcom - hang on. It
was you who said "one of the best read we've ever seen", wasn't it?
x
UNPUTT-DOUNIBAL: Yes, your Honor.
x
THE COURT: I'm hearby putting an injuction out on you preventing you
from earning another penny writing in English until you learn how to
use the language properly. Is that clear? Get out of my courtroom.
x
[WITNESS LEAVES THE STAND]
x
MR. NASGON: Would anyone else like to comment on Dan Brown?
x
DAILY: Dan Brown has created another frantic paced thriller that
rivals the best works of Clancy and Cussler.
X
MR. KNOETZ: Can't argue with that.
x
PERDIDD-YOTT: Exciting, fast paced, with an unusually high IQ.
x
BROWN (DALE): Intriguing, suspenseful and imaginative.
x
THE COURT: Are those about the man or the book?
x
MR. KNOETZ: Neither.
x
MR. NASGON: Objection!
x
THE COURT: Wait your turn, Mr. Knoetz.
x
MR. NASGON: Hah!
x
EVRITHIN: Life-or-death cliff hangers, romance, religion, science,
murder, mysticism, architecture, and action. Angels & Demons is a GO!
X
THE COURT: You were warned, you were warned! Officer of the Court,
take this man down the corridor and put one behind his ear please.
x
[WITNESS IS DRAGGED FROM THE STAND SCREAMING IN TERROR]
x
THE COURT: Well, come on. Say your pieces so we can all clear off,
unless you want to join that feller under his tarpaulin. You, Babs -
tell us what you thought and make it suitably restrained.
x
[COURT HEARS MUFFLED BANG FROM OUTSIDE. WITNESS PALES.]
x
PETERS: Well researched, and pulsingly told. With so much to enjoy,
the only problem for the reader will be to keep from turning the pages
too quickly.
x
THE COURT: Mmmmmokay, you're safe. Next?
x
MAUCERI: A pulse-pounding, edge-of-your-seat thriller. Angels & Demons
is as compelling as Umberto Eco... as engaging as Tom Clancy... as
fast-paced as Michael Crichton... and rivals the best Thomas Harris
thriller. Angels & Demons earns Dan Brown a place among these literary
peers.
x
THE COURT: That's a bit purple isn't it? I'll grant that Crichton was
able to invest his characters with less emotional heft than an empty
Tupperware, but you just compared Dan Brown with Umberto Eco. I'll
remind you that you are under oath, Mr. Mauceri. Also, what was with
all the pauses? Are you missing bits out of your testimony, sir?
x
[MAUCERI APPEARS TO SUFFER A MINOR STROKE AND IS ALLOWED TO STEP DOWN]
X
THE COURT: Looks like you're the last one, Ms. Turner. Keep it short.
x
TURNER: Angels & Demons is a no-holds-barred, pull-out-all-the-stops,
breathless tangle of a thriller -- think Katherine Neville's The Eight
(but cleverer) or Umberto Eco's Foucault's Pendulum (but more
accessible). Brown manages to hurl the reader headlong into an almost
surreal suspension of disbelief. "Brain candy" it may be. But my! It's
tasty.
x
THE COURT: And it's not the only one, my lovely. If you're as plumped
up and over-enthusiastic in private as you are in print I'll be seeing
you in Chambers as soon as we're finished here. Speaking of which, Mr.
Nasgon, it looks to me like you're all out of witnesses. Are you done?
x
MR. NASGON: I have some closing statements to make-
x
THE COURT: Sorry! I may not know much, but I do know that we do that
bit right at the end. It'll have to wait until after Mr. Knoetz takes
his turn. Witnesses may leave the stand, Court is adjourned and as for
you, Miss Turner, I need to go over your "chestimony" more closely...
x
[COURT IS ADJOURNED]
----------------------------------------------------------------------
X
_______________________
Nou Menon, NBC, CNN 
Official Court Reporter

x

The foregoing certificalation of this transcript does not appley to any
reproduction by any means unless under the direct control and/or
supervision of the certifycating reporter.

All quotes are taken from the official Dan Brown website…