The Case for the Prosecution

IN THE UNITED STATES SPECIAL SUPREME OVER COURT
FOR THE FINAL SATISFACTION OF GLOBAL JURISDICTION

X

READERSHIP OF THE WORLD, et al.,  :
xxxxxxxxxxxx Plaintiffs xxxxxxxxx :
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx :
vs. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx : CASE NO: ZZ9-PLRL-Z-LPH
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx :
DAN BROWN, et al. his novels, xxx :
particularly ANGELS AND DEMONS, x :
xxxxxxxxxxxx Defendants xxxxxxxxx :

x

TRAIL TRANSCRIPT : DAY FIVE, MORNING SESSION
X
BEFORE: HONORABLE HOPHGUD TAYSTE xxx
DATE x: September 30th, 2009 xxxxxxx
Place : Courtroom No. 2, 9th Floor x
Manila Building xxxx
228 Hazelnut Avenuex
Volcano Headquarters

X

COUNSEL PRESENT:
x
CLIFF KNOETZ, DVLS ADVC
xx For - Plaintiffs
X
RAY NASGON, ESQ
IGAN CHARLES CLEARLY-NOWTHER, ESQ
WEGHAT D'VUNCK, ESQ
xx For - Defendants

X

NOU MENON, ITV, CH4 xxx
OFFICIAL COURT REPORTER

X

----------------------------------------------------------------------
THE COURT: Mr. Knoetz, is there the slightest chance you are going to
start getting on with it before the end of the year?
X
MR. KNOETZ: Yes, your Honor, I'm... just...
x
THE COURT: Honestly. Anyone would think you were just making all this
up as you go along.
x
MR. NASGON: Defense moves for Mistrial-
x
MR. KNOETZ: No, no, I'm ready - I'm ready.
x
THE COURT: Finally. Okay, oFf you go.
x
MR. KNOETZ: Thank you, your Honor. If it please The Court, we intend
to prove, beyond any reasonable measure of doubt, that the defendant,
Daniel Iscariot Hemingway Brown, born according to Wikipedia on June
22nd, 1964 (age 45), was not only emitted into this world as a middle-
aged adult, but has since directed all his efforts towards foisting an
elaborate hoax upon the world's collective public: to wit, that he is
an author of original fiction. In fact, as we shall demonstrate time
and again, he is instead a forger - of great cunning, it is true - of
fiction, creating texts which, while maintaining the stunning illusion
of being actual novels, are in fact not so. They are, in fact, fakes.
x
THE COURT: Bloody hell.
x
MR. KNOETZ: Indeed.
x
MR. NASGON: Objection!
x
THE COURT: Overruled!
x
MR. NASGON: But you don't even know what I'm objecting to yet!
x
THE COURT: Oh. That's true. Ah, do it again.
x
MR. NASGON: Objection!
x
THE COURT: Overruled! Only joking - what is it, counsellor?
x
MR. NASGON: Well, your Honor. It's all bullshit, isn't it?
x
THE COURT: Eh? What is? Are you conceding?
x
MR. NASGON: NO! No, I just mean, the Prosecution's case - it's total
bullshit. I mean, "forged novels"? It's nonsense.
x
THE COURT: Mr. Knoetz?
x
MR. KNOETZ: I think we'll demonstrate admirably that-
x
MR. NASGON: Look. Are you trying to suggest that my client copied his
novels from someone else's work? Is that what you mean?
x
MR. KNOETZ: Not at all. If that were the case, surely the true author
would have stepped forward to take responsibility... oh. Hmm. No, yes:
to claim the huge fortune he'd be entitled to - after admitting he was
the one who wrote... hmm. You know, that's an interesting point. Would
it be worth the instant wealth if you had to be the man everyone knew
had written "The Da Vinci Code"? I'm not sure I could bear it.
x
MR. NASGON: So you accept that my client wrote "Angels and Demons"?
x
MR. KNOETZ: "Forged" it, yes.
x
MR NASGON: But all the sentences inside this novel were made by him?
x
MR KNOETZ: Inside this "forgery", were "committed" by him - of course.
x
MR. NASGON: ...objection withdrawn, your Honor.
x
MR. KNOETZ: Er...
x
THE COURT: How convenient. Carry on, Mr. Knoetz.
x
MR. KNOETZ: Um... okay. I - er. Yes. Right: we shall demonstrate the
fraudulence of Brown's writing by designating the various aspects of a
true novel and then examining Brown's writing in these contexts. There
shall be no question in the minds of the Jury that "Angels and Demons"
- and, by extension, any and all of Dan Brown's writings for the rest
of measured time - are flagrant artificialities of a most base kind.
x
MR. NASGON: I'm actually rather looking forward to this, suddenly.
X
MR. KNOETZ: I would like to call my first criteria: Characterisation!
x
THE COURT: I say, this is exciting! Shall we take a moment for lunch?
x
[COURT IS ADJOURNED]
----------------------------------------------------------------------

X

_______________________
Nou Menon, ITV, CH4 
Official Court Reporter

x

The foregoing certificalation of this tranyscript does not appley to any
reproduction by any means unless under the dialect control and/or
supervision of the certifycating reporter.

ddxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

In Chambers

IN THE UNITED STATES SPECIAL SUPREME BEDROOM
FOR THE FINAL SATISFACTION OF JURISDICTION MAKERS

X

READERSHIP OF THE WORLD, et al.,  :
xxxxxxxxxxxx Plaintiffs xxxxxxxxx :
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx :
vs. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx : CASE NO: ZZ9-PLRL-Z-LPH
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx :
DAN BROWN, et al. his novels, xxx :
particularly ANGELS AND DEMONS, x :
xxxxxxxxxxxx Defendants xxxxxxxxx :

x

IN CHAMBERS TRANSCRIPT : NIGHT FOUR, ALL-DAY SESSION
X
BEFORE: HONORABLE HOPHGUD TAYSTE xxx
DATE x: September 17th, 2009 xxxxxxx
 Place : Bedroom No. 4, East Wing xxx 
xxxxxxx Judicial Weekend Retreatxxxx
Palmy Gardens Grovex
Honolulu xxxxxxxxxxx

X

COUNSEL PRESENT:
x
CLIFF KNOETZ, DVLS ADVC
xx For - Plaintiffs
X
RAY NASGON, ESQ 
xx For - Defendants

X

NOU MENON, A2B, A2Z xxx
OFFICIAL COURT REPORTER

X

----------------------------------------------------------------------
THE COURT: Damn it but this had better be good.
x
MR. KNOETZ: Your Honour, this is totally unacceptable!
x
THE COURT: You're not kidding it isn't, is - is unacceptable to just
casually interrupt The Court in the middle of the night like this-
x
MR. KNOETZ: Your Honour-
x
THE COURT: And one more Anglicised spelling of honor like that and it
will be the worse for you, Counsellor. Whaddayawant?
x
MR. KNOETZ: Your Honor, I've only just been notified... I simply can't
believe they would circumvent the courts this way... I'm speechless.
x
THE COURT: What? Circumwhat the who? Wait. Wait. No. Get off me, this
sounds important. Get off. Hold on, Mr. Knoetz.
x
[THE COURT UTTERS VARIOUS OATHS UNDER HIS BREATH AS HE CLAMBERS ABOUT]
X
THE COURT: And you can stop that right now, yes?
x
MR. KNOETZ: I beg your pardon?
x
THE COURT: I wasn't talking to you. Listen, Knoetz, what was that you
said about castration?
x
MR. KNOETZ: No, sir, not castration. Circumvention. It has come to my
attention that, unbelievably, Dan Brown has gone ahead with his plans
to publish another fabricated novel. Two days ago.
x
THE COURT: Oh.
x
MR. KNOETZ: Despite the fact that this class action is far from over.
x
THE COURT: Umm-huh.
x
MR. KNOETZ: I mean, one could be forgiven for thinking that he didn't
even care that this was going on. Amazon are already discounting it!
The hardback's not even a fiver! Everybody's going to buy one!
x
THE COURT: No, don't you dare - oooh.
X
MR. KNOETZ: Your Honor?
x
THE COURT: What- no- wait.
x
MR. KNOETZ: What's going on?
x
THE COURT: Nothing. Oh-overruled.
x
MR. KNOETZ: It's a scandal! I want to know what you're going to do
about this travesty of justice! Clearly this is going to sway public
opinion around the globe, how can we expect a - what's that noise?
x
THE COURT: You'll have to hang on, Mr. Knoetz. I've got another call
coming in - ah, it seems Mr. Nasgon is Skyping me on my iMac. Well,
Nasgon, we're all up now, so to speak. Mr. Knoetz is listening in,
I know all about it. What does your client have to say for himself?
x
MR. NASGON: Your Honor, thank you for seeing me - oh, you've got an
iMac too! With the built in camera? Yes! Let me just turn on...
x
THE COURT: Er, that might not be such a good idea.
x
MR. NASGON: There we go- ...what is that?
x
MR. KNOETZ: What is what?
x
MR. NASGON: It looks like a giant waxed elephant seal with a ball-gag
around its neck. Oh - oh my god.
x
[COURT HEARS SOUND OF LOUD RETCHING]
x
MR. KNOETZ: Can I hear typing?
x
THE COURT: Yes, look, the court reporter is here too.
x
MR. KNOETZ: What, all this is on the record?
x
THE COURT: ...Jesus, put that thing away - no, get back here. Shit.
x
MR. NASGON: Sweet Lord, is that baby oil? I hope it's baby oil. I just
hope it isn't sweat. Actually, I don't know what I hope any more.
x
THE COURT: Oh, come now, we're all adults here. If you can't take the
heat, turn off the fucking camera.
x
MR. NASGON: Yes - oh, thank god for that. Look, eugh, listen, I guess
you've heard that my client has published "The Lost Symbol", yes?
x
THE COURT: Indeed we have, Mr. Nasgon.
x
MR. NASGON: Well, we would like to move for an immediate mistrial.
x
THE COURT: Interesting. Unexpected. Mr. Knoetz?
x
MR. KNOETZ: That's preposterous! Your client is the one endangering
the course of justice. If anyone should call for a mistrial it's us.
x
MR. NASGON: Oh, please-
x
MR. KNOETZ: Nahh, hold your tongue. "But we're not going to", I was
going to say.
x
MR. NASGON: Oh.
x
MR. KNOETZ: Your Honor, I'm just asking for a little more time to get
to grips with this new scenario, assimilate any changes this will make
to how we approach the case in hand-
x
MR. NASGON: You want to read it, don't you?
x
MR. KNOETZ: No, actually, I don't. I've got far better things to do.
x
MR. NASGON: Mmm-hmm, calling foul sexual deviants in the middle of the
night, it sounds like it, Very busy, I'm sure. Ve-ry bu-sy.
X
THE COURT: Hah! Me fears the lady doest protesteth too muchly, eh? Eh?
x
MR. NASGON: Quite, your Honor.
x
MR. KNOETZ: Well, perhaps we could see what Missus "The Court" thinks
about all this, hmm? I take it that isn't her with the portable
typewriter and ginger beard. In the thong. In both the thongs.
x
THE COURT: Ah, well. Of course, the Law must be properly served.
x
MR. NASGON: I-
x
THE COURT: Overruled, yes, definitely overruled. I think it's time we
called it a night, don't you? Yes, yes. I'll see you both in court,
gentlemen. Just let us all know when you're ready, Mr. Knoetz, okay?
x
MR. KNOETZ: Thank you, your Honor.
x
[COURT HEARS PHONE HANGING UP]
X
MR. NASGON: Hang on. If he was on the phone, how did he know about the
leprechaun in the two thongs? Ark.
x
[COURT HEARS SOUND OF DRY HEAVING, THEN A SKYPE CALL-END CHIME]
x
THE COURT: Privacy at last! Put that damn thing down and come back
here, you saucy little minx - hang on. What did he just say?
x
[IN CHAMBERS TRANSCRIPT ENDS]
----------------------------------------------------------------------

X

_______________________
Nou Menon, A2B, A2Z
Official Court Reporter
x

The foregoing certificalation of this tranyscript does not appley to any
reproduction by any means unless under the direct control and/or
supervision of the certifycating reporter.

All quotes are taken from the official Dan Brown website…

 

Sabbatical

The court case has been put on hold apparently, which happens to be really good timing as I have a wedding to go to shortly. While I must now leave my loyal readership to go over the transcripts looking for legal loopholes, I would also like to draw the general attention to a rather stunning discovery.

Have a look at this.

Now, I want to make it very clear that – NO, PLEASE – PLEASE – my creation, Don Brawn, is not based upon this person or any other person, living or dead, and any similarity between this Don Brawn and my Don Brawn – or indeed myself – is entirely coincidental.

ENTIRELY COINCIDENTAL.

_{Fuck. Cheese it!}

 

The Defense Rests

IN THE UNITED STATES SPECIAL SUPREME OVER COURT
FOR THE FINAL SATISFACTION OF GLOBAL JURISDICTION

X

READERSHIP OF THE WORLD, et al.,  :
xxxxxxxxxxxx Plaintiffs xxxxxxxxx :
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx :
vs. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx : CASE NO: ZZ9-PLRL-Z-LPH
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx :
DAN BROWN, et al. his novels, xxx :
particularly ANGELS AND DEMONS, x :
xxxxxxxxxxxx Defendants xxxxxxxxx :

x

TRAIL TRANSCRIPT : DAY THREE, AFTERNOON SESSION
X
BEFORE: HONORABLE HOPHGUD TAYSTE xxx
DATE x: September 8th, 2009 xxxxxxxx
Place : Courtroom No. 2, 9th Floor x
Manila Building xxxx
228 Hazelnut Avenuex
Volcano Headquarters

X

COUNSEL PRESENT:
x
CLIFF KNOETZ, DVLS ADVC
xx For - Plaintiffs
X
RAY NASGON, ESQ
IGAN CHARLES CLEARLY-NOWTHER, ESQ
WEGHAT D'VUNCK, ESQ
xx For - Defendants

X

NOU MENON, NBC, CNN xxx
OFFICIAL COURT REPORTER

X

----------------------------------------------------------------------
THE COURT: Well, that was delicious. At this rate we'll never get a
full day's work done, will we?
X
MR. NASGON: With respect, your Honor, it's been fifty-two hours since
we broke for lunch. How much can one man eat?
x
THE COURT: That's thin ice you're skating, Counsellor, tread lightly.
Anything you want to add, Mr. Knoetz?
x
MR. KNOETZ: Yes, there's a little gravy just there on your robes.
x
THE COURT: Ah, yes, thank you. Thank you. Now, where were we?
x
MR. KNOETZ: You were going to allow the Defense to finish digging Dan
Brown's grave so I can start filling it up again.
x
MR. NASGON: Objection!
x
THE COURT: Continue, Mr. Nasgon. But let's streamline this like we
agreed. Just bring all your witnesses in at the same time, please.
x
MR. NASGON: The Defense calls witnesses three through ten!
x
[EIGHT WITNESSES FILL THE STAND AND ARE SWORN IN]
X
MR. NASGON: Right... if I might take a liberty, your Honor?
x
THE COURT: That's what the judicial system is designed to do, son.
x
MR. NASGON: Er-yes-um, thank you. Assembled witnesses, please confirm
that, in order, your names and occupations are: Stew Perdidd-Yott of
the San Francisco Chronicle; 12-time New York Times bestselling
author Dale Brown; Reed Daily of the Book Review Browser; Owen U.
Evrithin of Kirkus Review; Frank Lee Unputt-Dounibal of ebooknet.com -
x
THE COURT: Excuse me, Counseller - did you say "netdotcom"?
x
MR. NASGON: I did, your Honor.
x
THE COURT: So that was something-or-other-net-dot-com. Not "dot-net",
or "dot-com", but "net-dot-com". I just want to be clear. Correct?
x
MR. NASGON: Precisely, your Honor. To continue: er... syndicated book
reviewer Joe Mauceri; Barbara Peters, owner of The Poisoned Pen; and
finally Paige Turner, responsible for Amazon.Com's Editor's pick.
x
WITNESSES: Yes.
x
MR. NASGON: Ladies, gentlemen, in your capacity as character witnesses
for Dan Brown - and as experts in the reviewing of popular fiction -
would you give us your informed opinions of "Angels and Demons"?
x
WITNESSES: A BREATHLESS REAL-TIME ADVENTURE - ANGELS AND DEMONS IS ONE
HELL OF A BOOK - A READING EXPERIENCE YOU WILL NEVER FORGET -
THRILLING CAT-AND-MOUSE MANEUVERS - ONE OF THE BEST READ WE'VE EVER
SEEN - ANGELS & DEMONS IS AS GOOD AS IT GETS - A BIG CONCEPT BEAT-THE-
CLOCK THRILLER - ONE HECK OF A GOOD READ -
x
THE COURT: The next person to shout in my presence gets the ultimate
penalty, is that fully understood?
x
WITNESSES: Yes. Sorry.
x
MR. NASGON: If I may ask you, Mr. Unputt-Dounibal, what would you say
about Dan Brown himself? And, please speak calmly.
x
UNPUTT-DOUNIBAL: If Tom Clancy and Umberto Eco got fused together,
Dan Brown would be the result.
x
THE COURT: Jesus, I hate that kind of retarded Hollywood summarising.
I bet you're the one who writes for internetdotbookcom - hang on. It
was you who said "one of the best read we've ever seen", wasn't it?
x
UNPUTT-DOUNIBAL: Yes, your Honor.
x
THE COURT: I'm hearby putting an injuction out on you preventing you
from earning another penny writing in English until you learn how to
use the language properly. Is that clear? Get out of my courtroom.
x
[WITNESS LEAVES THE STAND]
x
MR. NASGON: Would anyone else like to comment on Dan Brown?
x
DAILY: Dan Brown has created another frantic paced thriller that
rivals the best works of Clancy and Cussler.
X
MR. KNOETZ: Can't argue with that.
x
PERDIDD-YOTT: Exciting, fast paced, with an unusually high IQ.
x
BROWN (DALE): Intriguing, suspenseful and imaginative.
x
THE COURT: Are those about the man or the book?
x
MR. KNOETZ: Neither.
x
MR. NASGON: Objection!
x
THE COURT: Wait your turn, Mr. Knoetz.
x
MR. NASGON: Hah!
x
EVRITHIN: Life-or-death cliff hangers, romance, religion, science,
murder, mysticism, architecture, and action. Angels & Demons is a GO!
X
THE COURT: You were warned, you were warned! Officer of the Court,
take this man down the corridor and put one behind his ear please.
x
[WITNESS IS DRAGGED FROM THE STAND SCREAMING IN TERROR]
x
THE COURT: Well, come on. Say your pieces so we can all clear off,
unless you want to join that feller under his tarpaulin. You, Babs -
tell us what you thought and make it suitably restrained.
x
[COURT HEARS MUFFLED BANG FROM OUTSIDE. WITNESS PALES.]
x
PETERS: Well researched, and pulsingly told. With so much to enjoy,
the only problem for the reader will be to keep from turning the pages
too quickly.
x
THE COURT: Mmmmmokay, you're safe. Next?
x
MAUCERI: A pulse-pounding, edge-of-your-seat thriller. Angels & Demons
is as compelling as Umberto Eco... as engaging as Tom Clancy... as
fast-paced as Michael Crichton... and rivals the best Thomas Harris
thriller. Angels & Demons earns Dan Brown a place among these literary
peers.
x
THE COURT: That's a bit purple isn't it? I'll grant that Crichton was
able to invest his characters with less emotional heft than an empty
Tupperware, but you just compared Dan Brown with Umberto Eco. I'll
remind you that you are under oath, Mr. Mauceri. Also, what was with
all the pauses? Are you missing bits out of your testimony, sir?
x
[MAUCERI APPEARS TO SUFFER A MINOR STROKE AND IS ALLOWED TO STEP DOWN]
X
THE COURT: Looks like you're the last one, Ms. Turner. Keep it short.
x
TURNER: Angels & Demons is a no-holds-barred, pull-out-all-the-stops,
breathless tangle of a thriller -- think Katherine Neville's The Eight
(but cleverer) or Umberto Eco's Foucault's Pendulum (but more
accessible). Brown manages to hurl the reader headlong into an almost
surreal suspension of disbelief. "Brain candy" it may be. But my! It's
tasty.
x
THE COURT: And it's not the only one, my lovely. If you're as plumped
up and over-enthusiastic in private as you are in print I'll be seeing
you in Chambers as soon as we're finished here. Speaking of which, Mr.
Nasgon, it looks to me like you're all out of witnesses. Are you done?
x
MR. NASGON: I have some closing statements to make-
x
THE COURT: Sorry! I may not know much, but I do know that we do that
bit right at the end. It'll have to wait until after Mr. Knoetz takes
his turn. Witnesses may leave the stand, Court is adjourned and as for
you, Miss Turner, I need to go over your "chestimony" more closely...
x
[COURT IS ADJOURNED]
----------------------------------------------------------------------

X

_______________________
Nou Menon, NBC, CNN 
Official Court Reporter
x

The foregoing certificalation of this transcript does not appley to any
reproduction by any means unless under the direct control and/or
supervision of the certifycating reporter.

All quotes are taken from the official Dan Brown website…

 

The Case for the Defense

IN THE UNITED STATES SPECIAL SUPREME OVER COURT
FOR THE FINAL SATISFACTION OF GLOBAL JURISDICTION

X

READERSHIP OF THE WORLD, et al.,  :
xxxxxxxxxxxx Plaintiffs xxxxxxxxx :
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx :
vs. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx : CASE NO: ZZ9-PLRL-Z-LPH
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx :
DAN BROWN, et al. his novels, xxx :
particularly ANGELS AND DEMONS, x :
xxxxxxxxxxxx Defendants xxxxxxxxx :

x

TRAIL TRANSCRIPT : DAY TWO, MORNING SESSION
X
BEFORE: HONORABLE HOPHGUD TAYSTE xxx
DATE x: September 6th, 2009 xxxxxxxx
Place : Courtroom No. 2, 9th Floor x
Manila Building xxxx
228 Hazelnut Avenuex
Volcano Headquarters

X

COUNSEL PRESENT:
x
CLIFF KNOETZ, DVLS ADVC
xx For - Plaintiffs
X
RAY NASGON, ESQ
IGAN CHARLES CLEARLY-NOWTHER, ESQ
WEGHAT D'VUNCK, ESQ
xx For - Defendants

X

NOU MENON, ABC, USA xxx
OFFICIAL COURT REPORTER

X

----------------------------------------------------------------------
THE COURT: Good morning everybody. Are we ready to get under way?
x
MR. NASGON: Your Honor, it's totally not fair that I not get a chance
to say my opening statement properly, and that then he gets to be all
rude about my client probably for ages before I get to do anything but
object! I object, to this.
x
THE COURT: Well, it's your own silly fault on the first issue, if you
can't avoid being tripped up by unexpected arrangements of sentences,
like your own, you shouldn't be a lawyer. You are a lawyer aren't you?
x
MR. NASGON: Yes, your Honor.
x
THE COURT: Well then. How about you, Mr. Knoetz. You a lawyer?
x
MR. KNOETZ: I'm currently representing one.
x
THE COURT: Hah, there's a joke about that, isn't there? "The lawyer...
The lawyer who has a lawyer for a client... isn't feeling himself!" Is
that it? I'm not very good at jokes. More about the gravel, you know.
x
MR. KNOETZ: That's "Gaval", your Honor.
x
THE COURT: Think nothing of it. Anyway, as for the other thing... the
Defense getting to go first. Mr. Nasgon, can you site precedence?
x
MR. NASGON: Why don't we set one? Er, "versus... Alabama".
x
THE COURT: Mmmmm... alright, off you go.
x
MR. NASGON: Your Honor, I'd like to call our first witness!
x
THE COURT: Witness? You've not even established a frame of reference!
x
MR. NASGON: Oh - he's not guilty!
X
THE COURT: Fine, whatever.
X
MR. NASGON: Defense calls its first witness.
x
[WITNESS #1 TAKES THE STAND AND IS SWORN IN]
x
MR. NASGON: Could you state your name and occupation for the record?
x
MORGAN-WITTS: Davina Morgan-Witts, owner of bookbrowse.com.
X
MR. NASGON: Davina, could you tell us your thoughts on Dan Brown, or
his 2000 novel "Angels and Demons"?
x
MORGAN-WITTS: Certainly. The novel was "AMONGST THE BEST NOVELS I HAVE
EVER READ. Angels and Demons is part thriller, part mystery, and all
action. A highly entertaining, page-turning thriller."
x
THE COURT: There's no need to shout, thank you.
x
MR. NASGON: No further questions, your Honor.
x
THE COURT: What, that's it? Fine... Mr. Knoetz?
x
MR. KNOETZ: Er, no questions, your Honor.
x
THE COURT: Fine, I suppose. You may step down, Ms. Morgan-Witts.
X
[WITNESS STEPS DOWN]
X
MR. NASGON: Defense calls its second witness!
X
THE COURT: Another one?
x
[WITNESS #2 TAKES THE STAND AND IS SWORN IN.]
X
MR. KNOETZ: You look familiar.
x
MR. NASGON: Objection, actually! Not allowed to speak before I do!
x
THE COURT: Sustained, Mr. Knoetz. Put a sock in it until, alright?
x
MR. NASGON: Name and occupation.
x
PHUIT: My name is Hal Phuit, and I'm the-
x
THE COURT: You do look familiar, actually.
x
MR. KNOETZ: Weren't you on the jury list?
x
MR. NASGON: Objection!
X
THE COURT: Yes, that's right! Oh, well done! Overruled.
x
MR. NASGON: Fine. Mr. Phuit, would you give us your opinion on "Angels
and Demons" by Dan Brown.
x
PHUIT: My pleasure. I thought it "WELL PLOTTED AND EXPLOSIVELY PACED.
Crammed with Vatican intrigue and hi-tech drama, Brown's tale is laced
with twists and shocks that keep the reader wired right up until the
final revelation. Packing the novel with sinister figures worthy of a
Medici, Brown sets an explosive pace through a Michelin-perfect Rome."
x
THE COURT: Am I talking to myself or did I not just say "no shouting"?
x
MR. NASGON: Nothing further, your Honor.
x
THE COURT: ...You may go, Mr. Phuit.
x
[WITNESS LEAVES THE STAND]
X
MR. NASGON: The Defense calls its third witne-
x
THE COURT: Stop! That's enough of that. What the hell's going on here?
x
MR. NASGON: Your Honor?
x
THE COURT: You know damn well what I mean. What's with trotting all
these people up here, having them spit out a single sentence, then
shoving them off and doing the whole thing all over again? Eh?
x
MR. NASGON: Your Honor, I - I thought I made everything clear during
the depositions. Our entire case rests solely on providing various
character witnesses, universally reiterating the fact that Dan Brown
is a writer and that his novels are in fact real and not artificial.
I - that's - that's it, your Honor. That's, er... that's everything.
x
THE COURT: Really? Wow. So, how many more have you got?
X
MR. KNOETZ: Judging by the jury list, I'd guess at least twelve.
X
MR. NASGON: How many would you like, your Hon-
x
THE COURT: Less than twelve!
X
MR. NASGON: Oh. Well, how about... eight?
x
[THE COURT SIGHS HEAVILY]
x
THE COURT: Approach the bench.
X
[COUNSELS FOR PROSECUTION AND DEFENSE APPROACH THE BENCH]
X
THE COURT: Look. If he does the lot we're going to be here all night.
I let him read in his list as Defense Evidence #1, you're not going to
kick up a fuss, are you? You're not even questioning them yourself.
x
MR. KNOETZ: I suppose not.
x
MR. NASGON: Oh, thanks! Man, you don't know what this means to me.
x
MR. KNOETZ: It means "enjoy your big speech, because everything else
you have to say from now on will be getting a one-word answer".
x
MR. NASGON: I object!
x
THE COURT: Overruled. Let's get this dealt with, gentlemen, okay?
x
[SESSION CONTINUES]
x
THE COURT: Oh, look at the time! Mr. Nasgon, your love in is going to
have to wait until this afternoon, I feel a righteous hunger coming on
and the law waits for no man.
x
[COURT IS ADJOURNED]
----------------------------------------------------------------------
X

_______________________
Nou Menon, ABC, USA 
Official Court Reporter
x

The foregoing certificalation of this transcript does not apply to any
reproduction by any means unless under the direct control and/or
supervision of the certifycating reporter.

All quotes are taken from the official Dan Brown website…

x
THE COURT: Witness? You've not even established a frame of reference!
x
MR. NASGON: Oh - he's not guilty! Defense calls Davina Morgan-Witts,

 

Self-extrusion

“Pitt^® and Giordino track the Deep Encounter to the island base it’s been hidden on, kill the pirates with only a knife and a rocket-launcher, then rescue the ship and her crew.”

Got that? Good – because I’ve got bigger fish to fry right now than the plot. Like…

HOW MARY SUE CUSSLER HERE WOUND UP STARRING IN HER OWN NOVEL, HOW ABOUT THAT? _{Excuse me.} Do you know what a “Mary Sue” is? asks the critic, more sweetly. There must be some way I can explain this process of evolution to you. Ah! Here, from the fourth of my Don Brawn novels…

Don Brawn sat at his computer keyboard, typing a review of a book he didn’t like .

~ from The Book that Wasn’t Written, a Don Brawn thriller, by Cliff Knoetz

Of course, I jest – there will only be three Don Brawn novels for a start, and in none of them will Don be reviewing books. I simply want to demonstrate how a less able writer than myself might use his main character as what is known as an author surrogate which, as Wikipedia conveniently defines, is when a story includes “a character who expresses the ideas, questions, personality and morality of the author”. Of course, sometimes things go further than this and enter dark and painfully embarrassing areas of non-subtlety that cause other human beings to not look you in the eye at parties.

Don was strong, handsome and “good in bed” according to what ladies say or at least think. Every word he wrote made clear the failings of the author – the author of the book he was reviewing – and, when he sent it to him, Don knew that the author would take all his advice, re-write his book accordingly and thank Don personally on the dedication page. Don Brawn was the best.

~ The Book that Wasn’t Written, a title that’s growing on me, by Cliff Knoetz

The next degree of creative failure that can occur is exemplified here, in which this falsified version of my character, Don Brawn, moments previously (but in a not true manner) presented as a surrogate for myself, Cliff Knoetz, is further shown to be potentially unrealistically perfect in various ways. This is known as a Mary Sue-ism, a term coined after Paula Smith’s landmark short story, A Trekkie’s Tale (published Menagerie #2, 1973) – a biting piece of social criticism attacking the adolescent wish-fulfilment fantasies prevalent in popular Star Trek fan fiction of the time.

Fortunately, this kind of thing doesn’t happen anymore. Now writers of fan fiction generally just expand the range of subject matter to include lesbian encounters between principle vampire-killing cast members and leave themselves out of it. No-one in these self-aware times would – well, okay. I mean, clearly Dirk Pitt^® is a bit of a Mary Sue, yes. That’s all I’m trying to say. Anyway, how could you top that?

Don realised that there was a word he needed which would make this the best passage of text, the most perfect work of literary analysis, in the entire history of the written word – but in that moment, for the only time in his entire life, he couldn’t remember what it was!

Oh no, thought Don. Without this word my existence as a critic is doomed!

Just then there was a knock on the door. Who could that be? asked Don to himself, getting up. As he opened the door he couldn’t believe his eyes!

“Hi,” said the handsome, slightly less handsome than Don but only because he was older, man stood attractively on the doorstep. “I’m Cliff Knoetz.”

“Noted-social-radical-and-literary-critic Cliff Knoetz?” gasped Don gratefully.

“The very same!” laughed the man, with a glint in his heart-stoppingly hazel-green eye. “And the word you’re looking for, is PATHETIC.”

IT’S PATHETIC. PAAAAAAAAAAATHETIC.

PAAAAAAAAAATHEEEEEEETIIIIIIIIC.

Right, THAT’S what I was trying to say. Clive Cussler isn’t content with his hero being, so obviously, a MASSIVE fantasy of himself, looked up to by men, lusted after by women, modest and perfect and everything else. NO. That’s not enough for Clive. Clive has to write his hero-persona into an inescapable trap, and then write in HIMSELF, his actual self, HIM, HE, CLIVE CUSSLER, HE has to be the one who turns up in the nick of time to save himself. HIMSELF. HIIIIIIIIMMMMMSSSSSSEEEEEEELLLLLFFFFFFFFffffffffffffph.

Are you hearing me? I’ve got one word for you, Clive. Listen closely…

_Onanism.

Did you catch that?

Actually, this kind of thing does go on (admittedly it’s usually for comic or satiric effect and not as some kind of smug gratuity) so there’s another phrase for this auto-inclusion of an author into his own story, a less pejorative one, well, sort of. It’s self-insertion.

In a way it’s kind of the opposite too, since onanism is more about self-extrusion.

In any case, if you want my opinion Clive’s just been caught red-handed at both. More or less. And I, for one, really wish I hadn’t walked in on him doing it.

X

X

X

Right, that’s it. You can go. I’m finished.

X

X

X

X

X

_{Shit, yeah. I totally forgot. When Pitt* was all but single-handedly saving everybody, a detail I’m sure he’ll be quick to deny should anyone try to reward him for it, he finds the logo CERBERUS poorly hidden on the enemy ship. I wonder if it’s important. And that brings up the end of Part One. You know what that means…}

 

Opening Statements

IN THE UNITED STATES SPECIAL SUPREME OVER COURT
FOR THE FINAL SATISFACTION OF GLOBAL JURISDICTION

X

READERSHIP OF THE WORLD, et al. Xx:
xxxxxxxxxxxx Plaintiffs xxxxxxxxx :
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx :
vs. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx : CASE NO: ZZ9-PLRL-Z-LPH
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx :
DAN BROWN, et al. his novels, xxx :
particularly ANGELS AND DEMONS, x :
xxxxxxxxxxxx Defendants xxxxxxxxx :

x

TRIAL TRANSCRIPT : DAY ONE, MORNING SESSION
X
BEFORE: HONORABLE HOPHGUD TAYSTE xxx
DATE x: September 3rd, 2009 xxxxxxxx
Place : Courtroom No. 2, 9th Floor x
Manila Building xxxx
228 Hazelnut Avenuex
Volcano Headquarters

X

COUNSEL PRESENT:
x
CLIFF KNOETZ, DVLS ADVC
xx For - Plaintiffs
X
RAY NASGON, ESQ
IGAN CHARLES CLEARLY-NOWTHER, ESQ
WEGHAT D'VUNCK, ESQ
xx For - Defendants

X

NOU MENON, ABC, 123 xxx
OFFICIAL COURT REPORTER

X

----------------------------------------------------------------------
THE COURT: I hope you've all got a good night's rest - let's make this
a day to remember, eh? We'll begin with opening statements. What's the
usual convention on this - Prosecution first? Defense first?
x
MR. KNOETZ: I think an accusation is usually made before someone tries
to refute it, your Honor.
x
THE COURT: There's some sound logic in that, Counsellor. Mr. Nasgun?
x
MR. NASGON: I can't help feeling that, if this is to be a name-making
case for you, your Honor, with respect you'll have to start having an
impact right from the off. Nothing screams "stamp of authority" like
bucking the trend.
x
THE COURT: Hmm. Very well, Counsellor, let's hear it for the defense.
x
MR CLEARLY-NOWTHER: Woo-hoo!
x
MR. KNOETZ: Er -
x
THE COURT: Overruled. And no cheering in court.
x
MR. KNOETZ: Your Honor, please - I was only going to draw the Court's
attention to the fact that the defendant is not present.
x
THE COURT: Oh, good Lord, you're right. Mr. Nasgun, where the hell's
your damned client?
x
MR. NASGON: If it please your Honor, Mr. Brown has requested that he
be tried in absentia.
x
THE COURT: Mr. Knoetz?
x
MR. KNOETZ: It seems only appropriate. He writes the same way.
x
MR. NASGON: Objection!
x
THE COURT: Fine, fine, get on with it.
x
MR. NASGON: Thank you, your Honor. Your Honor, if it please the Court,
my client stands accused of a crime he did not commit. Of course, that
is not to say that he didn't actually write the text in question, but-
x
THE COURT: Hang on. Did he or didn't he?
x
MR. NASGON: I - he - he did actually write it, your Honor, but-
x
THE COURT: I have to say, Mr. Nasgon, that given your reputation I
rather expected you to do a little better than that. We seem to have
skipped the entire trial and gone straight to an admission of guilt.
Er... come to think of it, did we ever actually read a plea into the
record? Or state the charges for that matter?
x
MR. KNOETZ: No, your Honor. I was going to mention it, mainly because
you didn't.
x
THE COURT: Okay, okay. Let's see. I know I've got the thing around
here somewhere. Right, right, got it. Let's have a do over, yes?
x
MR. NASGON: Yes please, your Honor.
x
THE COURT: Okay then. Dan Brown, you stand accused on four counts of
literary forgery, to wit: "the creation of a manuscript bearing the
apparent but fraudulent aspect of a novel", with the example entitled
"Angels and Demons" being held as representative; fifty-one counts of
cognospheric pollution, by means of their translation into many world
languages; and finally, of authorising filmed propaganda based upon
these forgeries, which in turn retain the same objectionable content
masquerading as plot, narrative and characterisation. Further, and
contrary to legal good manners, you are on the verge of publishing
another forged novel as we sit here in judgement upon you - which I
don't like at all. These are serious charges, sir. How do you plead?
x
MR. NASGON: My client pleads not guilty on all charges, your Honor.
x
THE COURT: He's not publishing another novel?
x
MR. NASGON: No, he is - that's - that wasn't one of the charges.
x
THE COURT: Humph, yes, you're right.
x
MR. NASGON: Further, your Honor, my client considers these charges to
be representative of a category error, that "comparative quality of
style and content" are not valid grounds for accusations of literary
fraudulence. He therefore insists that, as Plaintiffs in the case,
the world's readership pay all his legal costs for the rest of time.
x
MR. KNOETZ: That's pretty much the case already.
x
THE COURT: Settle down. Okay, Mr. Knoetz, your opening statement.
x
MR. NASGON: Hey, what about mine?
x
THE COURT: You've had your go, Mr. Nasgon - Mr, Knoetz, proceed.
x
MR KNOETZ: Thank you, your Honor. If it please the Court - Dan Brown
is responsible for more misery than the Catholic Church. I make this
startling claim in the knowledge that, while it has inflicted on the
world an unprecedented degree of suffering, not only the many readers
of books around the globe but even the Catholic Church itself have
been powerfully offended by his work. This in itself is not a crime.
However, while presenting to the world what appears to be a work of
legitimate fiction, Brown in fact is faking it. These are not books,
ladies and gentlemen of the jury, except in their superficial physical
nature. No. They are an affront to the very mind. They are forgeries,
carefully designed to fool a gullible population into believing they
have bought a novel but which, when put to use, dangerously fail any
test of their function. The Defense will have you believe they employ
a solid structure, one so solid as to form the unchanging backbone of
each and every new Dan Brown title; but they are clearly manufactured
from inadequate materials, without due consideration for the mental,
emotional and perhaps even physical safety of the eventual end user.
In the long days and weeks to come we will show, on many levels, the
depths to which Dan Brown will not hesitate to sink in his relentless
assault on Literature, that noble bedrock of all culture. Thank you.
x
THE COURT: Thank you Mr. Knoetz. Well, I can't speak for everybody,
but I'm famished. Shall we break for lunch?
x
MR. NASGON: Your Honor, I was hardly finished and-
x
THE COURT: We got the gist, Mr. Nasgon, don't you worry. Court will be
adjourned until, later... waiter?
[COURT IS ADJOURNED]
----------------------------------------------------------------------

x

_______________________
Nou Menon, Doh-Re-Me, 
Official Court Reporter

x

The foregoing certificalation of this transcript does not apply to any
reproduction by any means unless under the direct control and/or
supervision of the certifying reporter.

 

Lay Misty For Me

I’ve got a few minutes before I’m due back in court, so I thought I’d wallow in nostalgia for a while and pick up Valhalla Rising again – it feels like sweet years since I’ve even thought about it.

Change of approach to the sea monster from now on, because life is too short to go through it chapter by page. Instead, we’ll have a plot summary of a reasonable subsection of the novel, examining a particular theme or detail as we do.

Ready? Here we go!

When we left our herpes, Dirk Pitt^® had just unexpectedly lubed up Al Giordino in his cabin – but this is going to be left unexplored territory for now, because there is actual unexplored territory to be, er, explored. Charged with locating the sad wreckage of Emerald Dolphin, Pitt^® and Al prepare to dive to the very bottom of the sea to find her sunken bones (I’m almost shedding a happy tear to be back with all these familiar friends). How will they achieve this? First by introducing a new poorly named friend in Sea Sleuth, an “autonomous underwater vehicle” (AUV, or “a swimming camera”), with which they find the wreck on their very first try, delve inside her and discover that the reason for her so rapid sinking was due to explosives – sabotage!

This is more of a revelation to them than to us, since this has been an established fact for about 130 pages. Having their target in sight, Pitt^® and Al prepare to investigate first hand in the Abyss Navigator, a clumsily named four-man submersible, to find the proof they need. First they must select someone to join them on their trip to the bottom – and to prove that one woman is worth two men they select Misty Graham.

Ah, Misty.

Misty was a petite woman, full of fire and vinegar _{which sounds like a yeast infection to me.} Her black hair cropped short for easy maintenance on board ship, she might have looked boyish _disgusting if she didn’t have well defined construction _{Ah: titties, good.} With light brown eyes under a pert little nose and soft lips, Misty had never been married _{thus proving herself a failure as a female.}

So, down they go – in only the most literal of manners, mind you – nosing around in the wreckage and, on their very first try (again), discovering a mystery object at the site of the fire’s outbreak that will prove to have been the cause. Not a bad day’s work – but when they get back to the surface there is no sign of the Deep Encounter… they have been abandoned at sea…

…in fact, it’s worse: Deep Encounter has been hijacked! With the only competent men playing around at the bottom of the sea, a high-speed vessel arrives, a band of armed villains trick their way on board and take everyone hostage at gunpoint. The characterisation is typically villainous -

The hijacker did not look like a pirate, no peg leg, parrot or eye patch.

- demonstrating that Cussler understands his readers are not of the under-eight age group. So – what are two men and one unmarried woman going to do while they wait for death on the high seas, in a single-room submersible ,with no food or fresh water, no emergency flares – nothing but the lithe warm bodies that god gave them?

Well, improvising sources of food and water, they do everything but the obvious (apart from die), even though they have no way to flag down the rescue plane that fails to spot them, no doubt dooming them without hope.

“Then how will they ever find us?” Misty asked, her resolve beginning to crack. _{After a week of eating nothing but fish and going toilet with two sailors within arm’s reach, I’m not surprised.}

Pitt^® gave her a comforting smile and hugged her. “The law of averages,” he said_{, totally misunderstanding the concept.} “They’re bound to catch up.”

“Besides,” Giordino chimed in, “we’re lucky. Aren’t we pal?”

“As lucky as they come_{. Now ram me, you Italian stallion.}“

Misty wiped a glistening eye, straightened her blouse and shorts _{wow, she really was worried} and ran a hand through her cropped hair. “Forgive me. I’m not as tough as I thought I was.”

I can see why she lives alone, panic-stricken bimbo like that, her parents should have been sterilised. However, with things looking so grim for our beloved champions, their creator, Clive Cussler, having arranged a situation for them so dire that no logical escape can possibly be conceived – rescue arrives! Hearing the sound of classical music floating across the waves one night, they wave their failing flash light and scream for help – and just as it seems the passing ship will pass like a ship in the night, it turns.

The captain of this heroic vessel is quite a striking figure – in fact, you may wonder why I didn’t mention him in my run down of such naval characters a few months ago.

He was a large man, the same height as Pitt^® but fifteen pounds heavier. He was also thirty years older. His grey hair and beard gave him the appearance of an old waterfront wharf rat. His_{, naturally,} blue-green eyes had a glint to them, and he readily smiled as he examined his catch.

He welcomes them on board, ready to give them everything they need – but the first thing Pitt^® wants is to report the crisis’s to Admiral Sandecker.

The old man nodded. “Of course. Come on up to the wheelhouse. You can use the ship-to-shore radio or the satellite telephone. You can even send e-mail if you wish. The Periwinkle has the finest communications systems of any yacht on the water.” _{The Periwinkle, eh? Sounds like baby talk for one’s wee-wee to me. Given their skill for naming boats these two should get on like a house on fire.}

Pitt^® studied the old man. “We’ve met before.”

“Yes, I suspect we have.”

“My name is Dirk Pitt^®.” He turned to the others. “My shipmates, Misty Graham and Al Giordino.”

The old man warmly shook hands with all. Then he turned and grinned at Pitt^®.

“I’m Clive Cussler.”

X

…speechless.

 

Jury Selection

IN THE UNITED STATES SPECIAL SUPREME OVER COURT
FOR THE FINAL SATISFACTION OF GLOBAL JURISDICTION

X

READERSHIP OF THE WORLD, et al.xxx:
xxxxxxxxxxxx Plaintiffs xxxxxxxxx :
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx :
vs. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx : CASE NO: ZZ9-PLRL-Z-LPH
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx :
DAN BROWN, et al. his novels, xxx :
particularly ANGELS AND DEMONS, x :
xxxxxxxxxxxx Defendants xxxxxxxxx :

x

PRE-TRAIL TRANSCRIPT : JURY SELECTION
X
BEFORE: HONORABLE HOPHGUD TAYSTE xxx
DATE x: September 1st, 2009 xxxxxxxx
Place : Courtroom No. 2, 9th Floor x
Manila Building xxxx
228 Hazelnut Avenuex
Volcano Headquarters

X

COUNSEL PRESENT:
x
CLIFF KNOETZ, DVLS ADVC
xx For - Plaintiffs
X
RAY NASGON, ESQ
IGAN CHARLES CLEARLY-NOWTHER, ESQ
WEGHAT D'VUNCK, ESQ
xx For - Defendants

X

NOU MENON, ABC, 123 xxx
OFFICIAL COURT REPORTER

X

----------------------------------------------------------------------
THE COURT: Well, it's taken us some good years to finally start this
thing so I'd like to try and get down to action as soon as possible.
I expect to make my name with a landmark ruling on this, so if we
could be finished before "The Lost Symbol" hits the shelves I'd be
one damned happy man.
x
MR. NASGON: So would we, your Honor.
x
MR. KNOETZ: Just so long as you have your black cloth with you.
x
THE COURT: Let's not try second guessing my big moment, thank you.
Besides, I don't think we even do that in this country.
x
MR. KNOETZ: Of course, your Honour. My apologies.
x
THE COURT: And by the way, Mr. Knoetz, this is America, so if you
don't want to be found in contempt before proceedings get under way
you'd better lose that English English spelling habit. It makes me
feel like you're undermining my linguistic authority.
x
MR. KNOETZ: Yes, your Honor.
x
THE COURT: That's better. Now, we're going to need twelve peers for
Mr. Brown if we're ever going to bring this to a satisfactory close.
Shall we bring out the first jury?
x
[PROSPECTIVE JURY MEMBERS ARE SEATED]
x
MR. NASGON: Your Honor, we have absolutely no objection to any of
these Jury candidates and move that they be sworn in wholesale.
x
THE COURT: Mr. Knoetz, do you have any objections?
x
MR. KNOETZ: I wouldn't mind asking a few questions first your Honor.
Provisional #1, could you state your name and occupation please?
x
Provisional #1: My name is Hal Phuit. I'm a literary reviewer for
Publishers Weekly.
x
MR. KNOETZ: I see. And have you ever read or reviewed the alleged
novel "Angels and Demons" by Dan Brown?
x
[COUNSEL FOR DEFENDANTS APPEAR TO SHAKE HEADS SURREPTITIOUSLY]
X
PROVISIONAL #1: I... er... In fact, I believe... I may have, yes.
x
THE COURT: Oh, I say. That's an unfortunate coincidence.
x
MR. KNOETZ: Isn't it. Provisional #2?
x
PROVISIONAL #2: Er...
x
MR. KNOETZ: Name and occupation, please.
x
PROVISIONAL #2: Stew Perdidd-Yott. With the San Francisco Chronicle.
x
MR. KNOETZ: Book reviews, by any chance? "Angels and Demons"?
x
PROVISIONAL #2: Er... yes.
x
MR. KNOETZ: Like it much?
x
[ENTIRE JURY APPEAR TO SHUFFLE IN THEIR SEATS UNCOMFORTABLY]
x
MR. KNOETZ: Your Honor, looking at this list it rather appears as if,
by that astonishing coincidence you mentioned yourself, every single
one of these twelve men and women are in some way connected to the
reviewing of popular literature and, further, have all written rather
glowing reports on "Angels and Demons" by Dan Brown.
x
THE COURT: Well, that's quite a turn up, don't you agree, Mr. Nasgon?
x
MR. NASGON: ...quite.
x
MR. KNOETZ: If it please the court, I'd like to move that we chose
jury members from a Shakespearean Simian Infinitude. If it would take
an infinite number of monkeys the total duration of the universe to
write the complete works of Shakespeare, twelve of them should be able
to rattle off a single Dan Brown before the end of the month.
x
THE COURT: That's some damn fine reasoning, Counsellor. Motion passed.
x
MR. NASGON: Objection!
x
THE COURT: Overruled. Jury will henceforth be selected at random from
a representative population of all monkeys from the infinite design
space - for the sake of philosophical convenience, let's say whichever
ones are currently residing in the nearest zoo - and be appropriately
prepared for trial via the provision of diapers, etc. Court will be
adjourned until... the next scheduled date, for opening statements.
x
[COURT IS ADJOURNED]
----------------------------------------------------------------------

X

_______________________
Nou Menon, ABC, 123 
Official Court Reporter

x

The foregoing certification of this transcript does not apply to any
reproduction by any means unless under the direct control and/or
supervision of the certifying reporter.

ddxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

See me after class, Mr. Reilly

I abandon my laboured song-inspired post titles, at last, because I’m also abandoning Matthew Reilly’s Seven Ancient Wonders. At least for the time being. I will now provide minor justifications for this drastic action, in case all the others weren’t reason enough.

Super-

Adding the word “super” to other words doesn’t make them super. It makes the author sound like a child. Knowing he isn’t one, it makes the author sound like a dick. When that inlet was described as having super-deep walls I wanted to slap Reilly silly. There are other examples. The final straw was his describing the armour-piercing bullets as being “super-lethal” – fuck me. Good thing he didn’t go into advertising. “Don’t settle for more – have extra-more.” This is pathetic writing on a piddling-small scale.

Interestingly, however

Throughout the book (okay, okay, the first half anyway) Reilly punctures his text with sentences starting Interestingly comma, or Curiously comma. However comma. “Fine, comma, whatever” says I. In the third chapter, several characters are sat around a table waiting for that vital meeting and one starts reading a briefing kit entitled “The Golden Capstone”. Guess which words, which phrase structures, feature. Reilly has only one narrative voice – even a text within his narrative employs the same voice.

He – he just – he can’t – he – he. It’s. I mean.

If you asked Matthew Reilly to write a shopping list, would it read like one of his novels?

That, of course, is a rhetorical question.

The god-damned mother-fucking Italics

I didn’t mention this in the previous post, but the following truly is the reason why I’m calling a halt and moving on. I’ve made the point about Reilly’s spectacular misuse of italics already. However, comma, in The Battle Of Guantanamo Bay chapter the big stupid stealth jumbo jet makes its landing on an unusual improvised airstrip. After describing Gitmo’s wiry horrors, Reilly concludes:

It is a forbidding installation, one of the bleakest places on Earth.

And yet after all that, only 500 metres from the Camp’s outermost razor-wire fence is something you would find only in an American military base: a golf course.

It’s that golf course they land on, naturally. Now, I know what Reilly means. I know he doesn’t mean to suggest that all of Scotland is one massive US military base, even though you can’t turn left there without someone screaming Fore in the distance. He means to say not that golf-courses are only found on military bases, but that they are -

…something you would only find in an American military base…

- thus, by italicising, emphasising an essential difference between US and Non-US combat facilities. So, after littering his writing with misplaced, misinformational italics, when he actually needs to use them… he doesn’t. I would have more sympathy if, due to carpal tunnel syndrome, his little finger kept dropping on the Shift key and half the novel was in block capitals – but italics have to be used by conscious choice. Reilly goes out of his way to call his own consciousness into question.

Yes, I admit it, I’m still just having some fun at the guy’s expense, but there are proper reasons why I feel a longing for something that (comparatively) soars to the levels of quality demonstrated by Dan Brown – even, to a lesser extent, good old Clive Cussler. My feelings about both of them are well documented here, their many dire failures of characterisation, plotting and prose – but at least they demonstrate the barest bones of what it takes to be a writer. Matthew Reilly has set a benchmark for inability that would turn away even the most flexible of literary limbo dancers.

In a way I feel admiration for him. Reilly has achieved what I and many other amateurs can only dream of – he writes for a living, and what he writes is read by many. In a much greater way, though, I feel contempt. He can put words on a page and he can tell a story, but only in the most superficial of ways. This happened and this happened and this happened and this happened. Often with exclamation marks, onomatopoeia and unnecessary swearing! Twat! Shit! Boof! This happened!

A large proportion of this contempt I feel is reserved for Pan Macmillan, or Macmillan, or whatever they want to be called – how can a publisher possibly consider this worthy of release? I presume they open manuscripts before acceptance, and in what I’ve actually read of 7AW there has been only one spelling error for example – but no competent editor can have assessed this and not found it horribly wanting. The comedy exploding of this pamphlet to book proportions is the final cynical cherry on the turd trifle – take my last paragraph and hit carriage return three times before every capital letter to complete the picture. It stinks of fear, either on his part or that of Pan McDonald’s, that some of Reilly’s fans might realise they are paying too much money for too little ink.

That there is a fan base out there to worry over is dismaying in itself. Reilly’s success far outstrips his skill – and don’t mistake all this criticism for genre snobbery either. I’m all for a good thriller, I love science fiction, give me bit of horror any day of the week – but I expect some craft as well as imagination. Reilly barely has even the latter, but when it comes to craftsmanship I wouldn’t trust him to nail his thumb to a door. Unless there were zombies approaching the other side of it.

So, you know what? I can’t be bothered.

Instead I’m going to reminisce, but in my old age the dates and years grow hazy, so bear with me. When I was (let’s say) ten, I started to read a Harry Harrison novel called Star Smashers of the Galaxy Rangers. I was young and I didn’t see deeply enough into it to recognise it as a work of satire. All I saw was cliché and, for the first time in my life as a reader, I put a book down unfinished. I was glad to do so. It sat on a shelf for a long time, glanced at and passed over with disdain, until, faced with a family holiday and a minimum of six hours in the back of the car, I deliberately picked it up again – specifically so I could say I’d never left a man behind, no matter how incompetent he was.

Of course, it turned out to be great. Affectionate parody of the sf genre, positive mockery of social conventions like race, gender, sexuality, etc. etc. I read it cover to cover by the time we arrived (at a farm in Wales) and finished it with a smile on my face. I know with certainty that Seven Ancient Wonders could be read in that time, probably twice over – but I also know that my only grin at the end of it would be a rictus.

Leave no man behind.

I’m not at all sure I’ll tell the chopper pilot to turn back for Matthew Reilly – but if we do happen to swing round again, maybe I’ll take pity and unload a full clip at him.

As a mercy.

For us all.

Fuck this crap, I’m going to read Angels And Demons.

_{Never thought I’d say that.}